Feeling Stressed Versus Feeling Overwhelmed – Why It’s Important to Know the Difference

Posted on September 8, 2022 by Alisa Hafkin

Stress has become a part of modern life. That’s not a good thing. The feeling of stress is your mind’s way of telling you something is not right. However, with all the demands of modern life, most people don’t stop to examine those feelings and develop ways to eliminate or at least cope with stress in a healthy way. When this happens, stress worsens, our emotional and physical health tends to decline, our work and relationships suffer, and we may find ourselves in a state of overwhelm. Something needs to be done to stop the snowballing of stress in order to feel balanced and at peace. 

Stressed and overwhelmed defined

We often use the terms stressed and overwhelmed almost interchangeably, but they’re really two very different emotions. “Stress” means we’re feeling a great deal of pressure, external or internal, usually from multiple sources. When we’re stressed, we’re feeling uncomfortable, maybe worried, anxious, or concerned. Our emotions are running high, but we can still function. We may make small mistakes or snap at a loved one, but we recognize that it’s stress-related and try to make amends. 

When we’re overwhelmed, stress has reached such a point that we can’t take action. Emotions are so intense that one’s ability to think or act rationally is impacted. Signs of overwhelm may include disproportionately overreacting to stimuli, such as panicking when you can’t find something. It may include feeling physically ill or exhausted, having trouble focusing, and being unable to complete simple tasks. 

Watch your words

Dr. Brene Brown is a popular and highly acclaimed speaker and podcaster on the subjects of courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy. She points out that we should be very careful with our words. If we are feeling stressed – feeling pressure but still able to function and take action – we should not casually say “I’m so overwhelmed!” When we say that, we’re actually signaling the brain to shut down. 

What you can do

If you truly are on the verge of overwhelm, the most important thing you should do is nothing. That’s right, do nothing. Walk away from stressors for a short time. Don’t walk away and pick up your phone and start looking at social media. You’re just replacing one stressor with another. Literally, do nothing with your mind for a little while. Studies show that this allows your brain to “reset” so that you can go back and function. 

What counts as doing nothing? Taking a quiet walk outside; lying down in a quiet room with soothing instrumental music; sitting in a quiet place with your eyes closed sipping a favorite beverage; using meditation techniques or mindfulness techniques. These are some examples of what you can do to allow your brain to relax and reset. 

This is much easier said than done, as your mind will probably be wired and may turn to the problems that have led to your current state. Make every effort to choose relaxing “do-nothings” that don’t remind you of these things. For instance, don’t choose music with words to focus on or that evokes memories or negative emotions. And please don’t choose an alcoholic beverage or stimulant. Your goal is to calm down. Your mind will slowly unwind so that you can go back and face the work more effectively and calmly.

Avoiding feeling overwhelmed

Ideally, you should get your stress under control long before you’re on the verge of being overwhelmed. It’s important to develop methods of thought that help you prevent stress from getting out of hand. Here are some suggestions: 

  • Don’t wait until you are overwhelmed to take time for yourself. If you make it a part of your daily routine to “do nothing” for at least 15 minutes every day, you’ll find you can more easily cope with life’s stressors.
  • Take time out to evaluate the roots of your emotions and why certain situations or individuals cause you stress, worry, or anxiety. Then take appropriate actions to overcome them.
  • When stressors can’t be avoided, develop coping mechanisms, such as deep breathing; humor; relaxation exercises; or talking to a trusted friend, not to vent, but to find solutions or encouragement.

There are many ways to deal with stress so you don’t reach the point of overwhelm, but sometimes people need help finding those solutions. There is a great deal of information online, but not all of it is accurate or helpful. Support groups, especially in-person groups, can help, but avoid groups that devolve into gripe sessions. People mistakenly think venting or griping is “cathartic” but in fact, studies show it makes you feel worse. Healthy sharing includes seeking an understanding of root causes and solutions to avoid future problems. 

If you need help finding solutions that will help you live a less stressed life, reach out to me. As a psychotherapist, I help my clients explore their thoughts, history, and patterns in order to chart new paths and move forward.

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Emotional Abuse or Overreacting?

Posted on September 8, 2022 by Alisa Hafkin

No one is perfect and no relationship is perfect. There will always be disagreements in a marriage or romantic relationship, and sometimes one will hurt the other. It’s really important in any relationship to assume the best of the other person. However, it is important to evaluate your circumstances and how you are being treated to see if you are the victim of emotional abuse.  

What are the circumstances?

Before going through a list of possible signs of emotional abuse, we need to consider the context. We live in a very stressful world, the last few years having been particularly stressful. People react differently to stress, and sometimes it is in ways that hurt or annoy others. 

One of the big questions in determining if your partner’s behavior is abusive or just thoughtless is to consider how long it has been going on and under what circumstances. Another is to consider how your partner responds if you share that you are being hurt by his or her behavior. 

While there is no cut-and-dried sign, chances are that if the behavior seems linked to some external events or internal issues your partner is going through, your partner is not intentionally being abusive (though it may accidentally be abusive). 

If you can have a rational conversation with your partner about the behavior and you express your feelings, and he or she is sorry and tries to change, your partner is not being intentionally abusive. 

What are some signs of abuse?

Even if the abusive behavior is temporary, brought about by issues or stress in the person’s life or just ignorance of the way it hurts you, it’s never okay. Your partner needs to be confronted – in an appropriate and effective manner – so that the unacceptable behavior stops. 

That said, some patterns of behavior suggest deeper mental health issues, which can be much more serious and extremely difficult or even seem impossible to change. 

It may be emotional abuse if your partner:

  • Flies off the handle at the smallest provocation, as a general rule
  • Will not admit any wrong and will accuse you consistently of being too sensitive or overreacting
  • Makes you feel like you’re walking on eggshells
  • Tries to make you completely dependent upon him or her
  • Controls your finances, your time, your relationships
  • Wants an accounting of everywhere you’ve been and what you’ve done, beyond normal curiosity about your day
  • Cancels your plans (or convinces you to cancel plans) with friends or family to spend time with him or her
  • Gets upset or jealous when you spend time with others
  • Is possessive and jealous, yet tells you it’s because s/he “loves you”
  • Regularly compares you unfavorably to others of your sex (husband comparing his wife to other women, wife comparing her husband to other men)
  • Teases you in a hurtful way, but when you complain says “I’m just kidding. You can’t take a joke.”
  • Reacts severely if you treat them the same way they treat you
  • Humiliates you in front of others
  • Is volatile and moody and threatens to leave you to get you to accede to their wishes
  • Becomes wildly upset if you confront them with their behavior
  • Tries to make you feel like you’re losing it – “gaslighting” you by denying what is patently obvious to keep you feeling off-balanced and unsure of yourself
  • Tries purposely to make you feel incapable – hides your keys and then finds them (what would you do without me?)
  • Tears down your dreams and hopes

This is an incomplete list, and certainly, some of these items can be a matter of poor communication or insensitivity about your feelings. Others are clearly abusive things that no rational, loving person would do. 

The bottom line on emotional abuse

Abuse is about power and control. If your partner’s behavior seems designed to make you feel dependent, emotionally unstable, insecure, or inferior, and there is no way to discuss it rationally, you are probably dealing with abuse. 

Trust your instincts. While none of us is perfect, and sometimes we are in fact oversensitive due to baggage in our own past, your reactions or defense mechanisms are a clear indication that it could be abusive. 

Even if you are reacting the way you are because of past experiences that have nothing to do with your spouse or partner, if he or she won’t talk to you rationally or compassionately about it, your relationship needs some professional help. 

An abusive relationship should not be endured. Keep in mind, however, if you tell your partner that you’re going to leave, he or she will promise you the moon and stars to keep you. 

As a psychotherapist focusing on couples therapy, I have worked with many couples in which one or even both of the partners demonstrated some of the behaviors above. Loving people can fall into bad habits that they need help overcoming. So even if there is some abuse going on, don’t give up on the relationship. 

However, if there is a much more serious underlying problem, such as the conditions I mentioned, you need a counselor’s help to determine how you can manage the situation or safely leave it. Please contact me today at (917) 331-6075 to see how I can help you and your partner take the right steps for a healthy and safe future.

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Are Politics Causing You Stress and Anxiety?

Posted on September 8, 2022 by Alisa Hafkin

We are living in a stressful time. Concerns and disagreements about covid, vaccines, mass shootings, government actions, the accuracy of our elections, and the failing economy will cause stress and anxiety in almost all of us at one time or another. We all need to develop coping skills and healing habits to keep us emotionally strong and to maintain healthy relationships during this time of division and tumult. You can get through this while remaining healthy and strong if you take certain steps. Here in NYC, the world can seem like a very busy and overwhelming place. I am here to help.  

Control input

Examine how much time you spend looking at news shows or consuming social media. The constant bombardment of news, which by its very nature is stressful, will naturally increase your stress and anxiety. News outlets intentionally present stories in an emotionally-charged manner to maintain their audience and thus their advertisers (and thus, money). If you continually remember that it’s in their best interest to keep you anxious and looking to them for constant news updates, you may be able to break the cycle. 

Social media also has its share of emotional stress built into it. People who probably know very little about a subject offer impassioned (and sometimes rude) posts, which cause others to respond with knee-jerk emotional replies, and the cycle perpetuates itself. 

Turn it off. While it’s valuable to be aware of what’s going on, you need to monitor how much time you spend and what sources you choose. Try to turn to less emotionally-charged sources, and limit yourself to only a short time daily – or better yet, just a couple times a week. Don’t worry. If anything really important happens, you’ll hear about it from someone. Then you can look. 

This leads to another source of news and stress – other people. If you live with or work with people who are talking constantly about emotionally-charged political or cultural concerns that cause you stress, whether you agree with them or not, talk to them about your feelings and your need to discuss these things less for your own mental health. Most people will be very considerate of your feelings because they don’t want to intentionally cause others anxiety or suffering. 

Control output

Identify your “buttons.” Determine which issues cause you the most anxiety, stress, or depression. Once you’re clear on your hot buttons, brainstorm ideas to cope with those issues. 

As already mentioned, take steps to limit the input from news, social media, and people. But you can go a step further by planning how you will respond next time the conversation comes up. Plan some respectful, intelligent, fact-based responses that could diffuse emotions or redirect the conversation. If necessary, have some pre-planned ways of stepping away from the conversation.

Be open to hearing other people’s points of view. This can be very difficult, but if it is, it might be a sign that you are too convinced of your own “rightness” and everyone else’s “wrongness.” Stop and listen. Even if you continue to disagree, you may find that the other person has well-thought-out reasons for his or her position, which will certainly diffuse your emotional response and make it easier to discuss different points of view. 

Examine your fears realistically. How serious is the threat, really? If you feel there are real dangers that must be addressed, decide on some action steps. Taking physical action can give you a sense of control of the situation, which can diffuse some fear. For instance, take necessary preparations for your family, such as a nest egg or a few weeks of food and water. Find ways to help others who might be in need. Vote. 

Feed your inner self

Focus on hope. Focus on thankfulness. Be mindful of some blessing every time you start to feel anxious. Blessings are all around us. Take a deep breath, enjoy the air filling your lungs, and be thankful for it. These positive thoughts quickly overpower the negative thoughts. Yes, negative thoughts feel stronger, but in reality, they are not. Your positive self-thoughts can kick them out, at least for a time, and the more often you practice thankfulness, mindfulness, and positive self-talk, the quieter and weaker those negative thoughts become. 

Many people turn to alcohol, comfort food, or binge-watching to silence their anxiety and calm their nerves. These are not healthy choices, and the negative thoughts flood back in as soon as you stop – so you have to do it again. Positivity, hope, and thankfulness, on the other hand, gradually lessen those negative thoughts with practice.

In addition, substance abuse, poor eating, and couch-potato activities are bad for your physical health, which also affects your mental health. So choose exercise instead of sitting in front of a screen; choose the fun and challenge of making a new, healthy recipe rather than reaching for easy, unhealthy, fast food. Care for your physical health and you’ll be caring for your mental health, as well. 

When to seek professional help

If you’ve consistently tried some of these steps and they aren’t working, or if you feel too sad, anxious, or overwhelmed to put them into practice alone, reach out for professional help. If you ever have thoughts of self-harm or harm to others, do not delay for an instant. Seek help from a professional who can guide you out of this darkness and into a brighter, happier future. 

If you need help, please don’t hesitate to call my office. As a psychotherapist, I provide a safe and secure environment for my clients that fosters self-awareness and the strength to make a change. Call me today at (917) 331-6075.

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The Art of Doing Nothing

Posted on August 16, 2022 by Alisa Hafkin

The American culture seems obsessed with work. Many of us feel guilty if we aren’t constantly doing something or accomplishing something. Even our “down time” is full of activity. What does it really mean to “do nothing” and how does one do it?  For many living here in New York City, it can be difficult.  

Our need to do nothing

Maybe the first thing we should consider is why we should sometimes do nothing. It’s an interesting disconnect that while we realize our bodies need to rest regularly, we think our brains can maintain an intense work schedule coupled with constant noise from social media or entertainment without a break. Not so. The brain overloads and that overload is generally known as “stress.” 

Stress overflows into every aspect of our lives: our physical health, our emotional health, our relationships, moods, emotions, and our ability to continue to function intellectually at an optimal level. Overworking your brain can hurt every aspect of your being. 

But there’s also an interesting physiological aspect that demonstrates our innate need to sometimes do nothing. When our brains are involved in a task, the brain devotes energy to the parts of the brain that are needed for that function. But there is actually an elaborate neural network that appears to only activate when the brain is not focused on a task. This network, which neuroscientists call the Default Mode Network (DMN), connects different brain areas, which could explain why we sometimes get brilliant ideas when we are no longer focused on a problem. 

Ancient Greece gives us an amusing example of this function. The story goes that Archimedes, the great ancient Greek mathematician, was puzzling over a problem so much and for so long that he forgot to bathe. His slaves, finally disgusted, carried him off to the bath. Once submerged in the pleasant waters, the solution to the problem occurred to Archimedes, and he jumped out of the bath and began to run through the streets naked, shouting in his excitement, “Eureka!” (which meant, “I’ve found it!”) while his faithful servants ran after him with his toga. 

What it means to do nothing

Doing nothing doesn’t mean scrolling through social media. This stimulates emotional centers of the brain, many of which are not always relaxing. Studies have found that people often feel worse about themselves after viewing social media. And staring at a screen, large or small, certainly does not rest the senses. So turn social media off. 

So what does it mean to “do nothing”? It means just letting oneself BE. The most basic definition is to simply sit peacefully without a screen or book or podcast, and just let one’s mind wander and enjoy being.

The problem some people have with letting their minds wander, however, is that they may turn their thoughts to work, relationship problems, or other difficult or negative thoughts. That’s not the purpose of the “do nothing” time. So in the beginning it may help to give yourself some structure until you’re more practiced. 

Some suggestions:

  • Try this in a beautiful place, for instance, sitting on a park bench, walking along a lake, or lying under a tree. Let yourself zone out and appreciate the breeze, the light reflecting off the water, the sound of the birds.
  • Instead of checking emails or journaling during your morning coffee, just sip your coffee in silence. Sit out on your porch or another relaxing, beautiful place and enjoy the quiet.
  • Learn some simple meditation techniques, like focusing on your breathing.
  • Choose peaceful, soothing music or water sounds to help your body and mind calm down.
  • Take a deep bath with calming aromatherapy.
  • Use a book of inspirational prompts to give you a peaceful, happy thought to set your mood.

Getting around to “doing nothing”

Don’t just get around to it – plan it. It’s that important. If you’re not used to relaxing or taking time for yourself, you may have to build gradually, starting with 5 minutes. You can plan it around your mid-day break, or turn off all your technology a half-hour before bed and just relax on the couch. If you have parenting responsibilities, plan to relax either before the kids get up or after they go to bed – or at nap time. 

Get over feeling guilty about not doing anything. Guilt occurs when our actions are not in line with our values. So if you’re the kind of person who always needs to be productive, just think about how your “doing nothing” is actually doing something – it’s making you healthier and more productive in the long run! And you might just have a great idea while you’re at it.

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Finding New Friends and Connecting with People in the Big City (or Anywhere)

Posted on August 15, 2022 by Alisa Hafkin

If you’re new to NYC,  you may feel that finding new friends or connecting with people in your new hometown can be difficult. It’s not uncommon for people to feel isolated and lonely when they move to a new area, or when circumstances in their lives change and it’s time to start afresh with new companions. There are a lot of creative ways to connect with people in-person anywhere you may live, but in the city, opportunities abound. 

Connecting with people at work or in your neighborhood

If you go to work on location, try to develop acquaintances during office hours by striking up conversations and by taking breaks in common workspaces. If coworkers go out for lunch, coffee breaks, or cocktail hours, join in. If there’s a group that walks during your lunch break and you like the people, go with them. Make an effort, and usually, people will respond positively to your friendly gestures. If you’re lucky, there will be an office extrovert who will invite you first! 

You may live in an apartment complex or neighborhood that has group activities to help people connect. If so, go to them. If not, and you like organizing, ask a couple of neighbors if they’d like to do something like that and start to make it happen. You’ll meet a lot of people that way. 

Making connections with hobbies and interests

Getting involved in the community or pursuing your interests are great ways to meet people with shared interests.

Volunteer in something you’re passionate about. If you love animals, volunteer at a shelter. If you love nature, volunteer at a nature center or a park. If you love people, volunteer at a nursing home or hospital. 

Do you like to exercise? Sign up for a gym and strike up conversations with people you see regularly or join a walking or bike-riding group. If you enjoy the arts, go to cultural events or shows of local artisans. You’ll have much to discuss when admiring someone’s craftsmanship. And don’t forget about your house of worship – it’s a great place to make friends. 

There are many handy apps that can help you connect with people with similar interests, but use them with caution. In-person communication helps you gauge someone’s personality better than virtual, technology-driven communication. 

Making connections with continuing education

Remaining intellectually stimulated can give you a sense of accomplishment and growth when you’re navigating a new environment. Whether you’re taking a night course to continue your degree or taking a creative class in an area of interest, you will have other students to share experiences with and possibly study with. These relationships may grow into real friendships. 

Moving from acquaintance to friend

Relationships exist at different levels. In order for a person to go from acquaintance to friend, there needs to be trust, which develops over time, so don’t be too vulnerable too soon. But at the same time, going too slowly can cause you to lose that opportunity because the other person might feel like you don’t really want to be friends.  

If you need help navigating the process of meeting people or making friends, or if you’re experiencing anxiety and need someone to talk through it with you, reach out to me. We’ll walk through it together and help you build your new circle of friends.

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Dealing with Depression Through Volunteering and Service

Posted on August 15, 2022 by Alisa Hafkin

Counselors and psychiatrists have known for years that volunteering and serving others can help improve mental health and decrease depression symptoms. There’s also a great deal of science to support this. Researchers at Exeter Medical School in England reviewed the results of 40 studies over 20 years and found that volunteering consistently led to an improvement in mental health, a decrease in mortality, and in some cases, an improvement in physical health, as well.

Why volunteering helps

What are some of the benefits of volunteering? There are many! Here are just a few:

  • Volunteering develops social connections which are necessary for us as human beings. Even if you have social anxiety, something like dog-walking allows you to connect with a few people (briefly, while you pick up and return the dog) who have interests similar to yours (dogs, animal well-being). This gentle human interaction and the time spent with animals can create needed connections.
  • Volunteering can create changes in thought patterns in so many ways. Our thoughts affect us metabolically, changing our thought processes, our chemistry, and our health. Negative thoughts produce more negative thoughts, which further depress our physiological responses. When we volunteer, our minds focus not on our own negative thoughts, but on the needs of others, stopping that vicious cycle, at least for a time. This cessation of negative thoughts can eventually overflow into the times when we are not volunteering.
  • Volunteering gives you a sense of purpose and satisfaction that you may not have felt for a while. It’s a healthy distraction and can help you put your own life in perspective. It forces us to take positive actions, leading to more positive thoughts, which then have a positive effect on our bodies and minds.
  • Volunteering can improve your physical health. A four-year study by Carnegie Mellon University followed 50 adults who volunteered and found that those who volunteered more than 200 hours a year were less likely to develop high blood pressure and were more likely to experience psychological well-being.

Suggestions to get you started

While it’s natural to think, “I don’t want to do anything or even get off the couch. How can I volunteer?” there’s a great maxim to keep in mind: Action precedes motivation. Even if you don’t “feel like it,” or if you’re afraid you won’t be able to keep it up, try one day at a time, and you’ll find that motivation follows.

Practice thinking the opposite of the negative excuse you give yourself. You could try, “Well, at least it’s better than just sitting here all day, and besides, I’ll get in a little exercise and I’ll treat myself afterward.” Remember, studies show that volunteering really does help. Remind yourself that when you’re trying to talk yourself out of it.

So the next question is, volunteer to do what?

Choose a volunteer activity that fits your interests and skills and will not feed your negative thoughts. In the NYC area, where I live, there are a wide variety of volunteer options, from cleaning up local parks and walking dogs for the local dog shelter to reading to underprivileged children at the local library and delivering food to shut-in elderly people.

Or you could start with something less formal, like making cookies for a neighbor who is having a rough time or offering to babysit for a friend or relative. Make a plan to do some small act of kindness every day. This helps you keep your eyes open for ways to help others, even if it’s just a kind word, which can also turn your thoughts outward instead of inward.

There are many strategies that can help overcome depression naturally. Volunteering is one of them. Please don’t think you’re alone in what you’re feeling. If you’re struggling with depression, contact me to see how I can help you on your path to wellness.

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Self-Help Tips and Counseling for Empty-Nesters

Posted on April 29, 2022 by Alisa Hafkin

After decades of devoting yourselves to your children, the last child has left the roost – or at least is at college most of the year. This can be a challenging time for many couples. It’s a time to readjust priorities, to focus more on each other after years of focusing on the children, of finding ways to spend your time, money, and energy that aren’t wrapped up in the kids. This alone can be a bit of a challenge. When combined with emotional stressors, it can cause what is often called “empty nest syndrome,” a particularly stressful time in the lives of parents. 

The beginning of the empty nest period takes some adjustment, just as any new situation does. Do you remember the adjustments you had to make when you first got married? When you had your first child? When you moved to a new city or state? These are major life changes, and you need to adjust. But with a positive attitude, your empty nest phase can be one of the best times of your life together! I offer some suggestions, but keep in mind that sometimes having the helpful and supportive ear of a trained marriage counselor can help you if you find the adjustments difficult to handle on your own. 

Adjusting to the “Empty Nest”

The first step is to affirm yourself and reconnect with your own identity without your children. Yes, your children are a permanent part of who you are, but they don’t define you. What do you love to do? What are your interests? If you have put off a hobby because you were focused on the children, now is the time to pick it up! Do something different, challenging, even adventuresome, and allow yourself to really have fun, not as a mom or dad on holiday, but as a person with unique interests. 

Now that the children are (mostly) gone, turn to each other even more. You nurtured the children and affirmed and supported them for years. Now it’s time to put that focus on each other. If your marriage is strong, you have probably been doing that through the years already and you now can increase that mutual attention. If you haven’t been giving each other that affirmation and attention, your marriage is probably a little stale. If so, now is the time to rekindle the love that brought you two together. 

Develop shared interests that you and your spouse can do together. Go out on dates weekly. Learn something new about each other – even after many years, there is so much more to learn! Say something nice to each other every day. Increase your intimacy and touch, both sexual and non-sexual, to rekindle the romance. 

Take care of something or someone else. Get a pet. Volunteer at the daycare center or at a soup kitchen. Care for a garden or a challenging indoor plant. By focusing on others, we forget about ourselves and our problems. 

Issues that complicate the matter

Sometimes complications make the adjustment more difficult. You may have dedicated so much of your life to your children – especially if you were a stay-at-home parent or if you were running your children to activities every night of the week – that your own identity was built around your children. 

Your marriage might be shaky; you didn’t have a lot of shared experiences outside of the children, or maybe you have unresolved hurts that were buried just so you could stay together “for the kids” and now you are thinking you may want out. 

Your children may be leaving the house but are still financially or emotionally dependent. Maybe they just moved in with a friend but still need you to pay support. Maybe you have a strained relationship, or you don’t agree with the decisions they’re making. Maybe you feel like they’re taking advantage of you, but it’s hard to say no.

These issues can feel too big to be solved without some help. This is where counseling can be very important. 

How counseling can help

A good marital counselor is there to help guide couples through the process of renewing and strengthening their relationships. We help couples improve communication; address old hurts and resolve them in light of their new situation; build new shared experiences and interests; and develop new friendships. 

Another aspect of couples counseling for empty-nesters is helping them work through redefining their relationships with their adult children. This can include addressing feelings of guilt if they feel they’ve made mistakes; possessiveness and control issues if it’s hard to let go; and learning how to set boundaries to help their adult children learn the last lesson they have to learn from you – becoming independent. 

If you need a little help navigating the “empty nest” phase of your life, reach out to me.

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Is Surrogacy the Right Option for You?

Posted on April 29, 2022 by Alisa Hafkin

One of the areas of focus in my practice as a therapist is helping couples struggling with infertility. Many couples choose to go through medical procedures to help their own natural fertility kick in so that they can bear their own child naturally. While these procedures often work, sometimes they do not.

When a couple comes to the realization that they may not be able to conceive, I help them walk through their feelings and their next steps forward: to embrace life without children or to pursue other options for fulfilling their dream of parenthood. Surrogacy, while not commonly chosen, is one of those options. 

Types of Surrogacy

Most surrogate mothers are compensated for their services. Surrogacy agencies secure the services of women; bearing the child is in essence a form of employment. In some instances, a woman will be a surrogate for a couple out of altruism, but this usually occurs when the surrogate knows the couple personally. 

There are three ways a child can be conceived through a surrogate arrangement:

  • Partial or genetic surrogacy: The prospective father provides his sperm to fertilize the egg of the surrogate mother. Thus, the child has the father’s DNA.
  • Gestational surrogacy: The prospective parents contribute their own sperm and egg to conceive in vitro. The embryo or embryos are then implanted into the womb of the surrogate mother.
  • Total surrogacy: The prospective parents do not contribute their DNA. Both the sperm and egg are chosen from a donor bank, thus the adoptive parents and the surrogate mother are unrelated to the child. 

Apparent Benefits and Drawbacks of Surrogacy

Several reasons why couples choose surrogacy include:

  • The chance to have a child genetically related to one or both parents
  • The expectation that it will be quicker than adoption
  • The option to be involved in the pregnancy along the way and get to know the surrogate mother 

Surrogacy is not without significant risks, however. They include:

  • Availability – Surrogacy is not available in all states
  • Significant expense – compensation for the surrogate, program fees of the agency, medical expenses for the surrogate mother, possibly also in vitro costs could reach $80,000 or more
  • Delays and timeframe – surrogacy takes longer than expected, usually 18 months or more
  • Difficulty in finding a reputable surrogacy agency – Some agencies exploit poor women, promoting the financial benefits of surrogacy without fully informing them of the possible risks
  • Physical and mental health effects on the surrogate mother – Pregnancy affects the physical and mental health of any mother, but surrogacy adds additional risks. Months of fertility medications to prepare her body for pregnancy can have negative effects. Multiple births (as is often the case with IVF) increase maternal risks in gestation and delivery. And although the surrogate mother knows the child is not her own, many surrogates experience long-term emotional distress from the process.

Alternative to Surrogacy

A similar option to surrogacy is infant adoption from a pregnant birth mother. Agencies that offer this form of adoption create a family profile for prospective parents, provide screening and counseling to the pregnant mother, and present to the mother various family profiles. Once chosen, the adoptive parents cover the expenses for the mother and are able to have interaction with her during the pregnancy, based on mutual agreement, possibly even attending the birth. Most adoptions of this kind are open adoptions, meaning your family and the birth mother can remain in contact so the mother knows her child is in good hands.

This method for the most part is significantly less expensive than surrogacy, is fairly readily available, can be a quicker process, and is a healthier option for mothers and babies. It does, however, have a few of its own drawbacks. First, the adoptive parents will not be genetically related to the child. Second, while agencies screen prospective mothers for their commitment to adoption, occasionally a mother changes her mind and decides to keep her child. Usually, however, the agency is able to match the couple with another mother. 

Ultimately, the decision to adopt, choose surrogacy, or decide to remain childless must be made between the two of you. If you need help working through the issues surrounding this major life decision and you reside in or around the New York City area, reach out to me to see how I can help.

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“The Four Horsemen of the Marriage Apocalypse” and Their Antidotes

Posted on April 29, 2022 by Alisa Hafkin

As a marriage counselor, I often see very similar patterns in troubled marriages. The great marriage researcher, Dr. John Gottman, grouped these patterns into four categories that he labeled “the four horsemen of the apocalypse” – that is, those behavior patterns that are signs of serious marital problems and that, if left unchecked, would doom the relationship. The horsemen are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. 

The Four Horsemen Defined

Criticism: In a disagreement, do you try to discuss calmly and respectfully or go for the jugular? Do you pick on the person or on the action? Do you question your spouse’s character? This is criticism, and it’s pretty easy to pick out. 

Examples: “You only think of yourself. You never think about how I feel!” “You’re such a jerk.” “I knew you would take the biggest piece of pie. You’re so selfish.” 

Contempt: Contempt is criticism on steroids, demonstrating a complete disrespect for the other person: eye-rolling, ridicule, embarrassing the other person in public, sarcasm, and mockery. Sarcasm and mockery by their nature have a component of contempt, especially when it’s a “joke.”

Subtle sarcasm: “You didn’t even clean up the spill? (Eye roll) Of course, I have to do everything around here because you’re not capable.” 

Overt sarcasm: “You’re tired? Cry me a river! I’ve been home with the kids all day, running around like crazy, dealing with their squabbling, and still trying to put the food on the table and make the house look nice for YOU. I have enough kids. I don’t need another one.” 

Overt mockery: In a crowd: “Did you tell our friends how you ‘fixed’ the dining room light so well that we needed to hire an electrician to fix your ‘fix’? (mocking laugh) The guy said it’s a good thing we called because the house could have burned down! My husband is such a great provider!” 

You’ll often hear a contemptuous person say, “Can’t you take a joke??” but it’s never funny to the victim. Research indicates that contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce. It must be eliminated. Period. 

Defensiveness: This is pretty understandable, especially when a person feels attacked by criticism or contempt. Imagine the spouse who didn’t clean up the spill: “I did my best, but I can never seem to do anything good enough for you.” Imagine the spouse who took the big piece of pie: “And like you didn’t take the biggest piece of steak? I was really hungry! Because of you, I had to fill up on dessert!”

Stonewalling: This is the silent treatment. When a person is at the point of stonewalling, verbal communication has broken down. This is actually a form of communication in itself, clearly sending the message that the person no longer cares and is no longer trying. It can also be a form of passive-aggressive behavior. Often the stonewalling person does not respond at all, avoids eye contact, crosses arms, or turns away. 

Antidotes for the Four Horsemen

Believe it or not, many marriages are able to slay the “horsemen” in their marriages and create strong, loving relationships. It takes work, and both partners need to want it. Usually, one spouse is more motivated than the other at first, but this is often because trust has been damaged. When the other spouse sees that there is a sincere desire to start again, progress can really be made. 

Nurture fondness and admiration: Every day, remind yourself of something good about your spouse. There may be plenty of bad in your mind right now, but ignore that for the time being. Nurture some positive thoughts and say one nice thing about him or her every day. 

Get to know your spouse:  How much do you know about your spouse? Get to know about your partner’s world, beliefs, interests, hopes, and fears. Find out funny things about his or her past: touching moments and sad moments alike. If your relationship is not currently filled with trust, these sensitive details may take time to reveal. So start with fun, pleasant, or just plain practical stuff, like favorite foods, or least favorite – like beets, maybe. 

Respond to casual comments: If your spouse says “Hey! Look at that beautiful bird!” while you’re reading the paper, look up. Respond. “Where? Oh! Yes. I think I saw that one before. I wonder if it’s nesting around here.” Don’t just grunt and go back to your paper. And definitely don’t ignore him or her. This is what Dr. Gottman calls “bids” for attention, which are currency for the “love bank.” Respond to bids and the balance in your love bank grows. I’ve seen it work. It sends a message that the other person is important to you, even in small details. 

Solve your solvable problems and overcome gridlock in the others: Most problems really are solvable. Find the root cause of the thing that’s really annoying you and you’ll probably find a way to work around it. This can sometimes take some help from a counselor or trusted friend to mediate. Occasionally, differences are inherent in a person’s dreams, values, or personality, and therefore can’t really be changed without changing the person on a fundamental level. 

The goal in these cases is to find ways to work around the differences or have a good-natured joke (not a sarcastic joke!) when the difference begins to reveal itself again. Or focus on the good side of the “problem.” For example, maybe your spouse is so easy-going that he doesn’t try to get a raise. He’s just content. Do you love the fact that he’s easy-going? Then be content with a modest income and be thankful for a pleasant husband. Finding ways to overcome gridlock over unsolvable differences often benefits from the help of an experienced marriage counselor. 

Create shared meaning: Every family has unique experiences and memories. This is your microculture. Celebrate your history, your family stories, and your traditions to create a strong emotional bond with your own “tribe.” 

I’ve seen many couples chase away their personal horsemen and create strong, healthy marriages. It takes work, but it’s well worth it. If you are in the New York City area and need help healing your relationship, give me a call.

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Understanding Frustration: Causes and Cures

Posted on April 29, 2022 by Alisa Hafkin

We all experience frustration from time to time in our lives. It is a natural reaction when our efforts to attain a goal are thwarted in some way. The more important we deem the goal, or the more we are blocked, the more frustrated we can become. 

Causes and Effects of Frustration

Frustration can have both external and internal causes. Obvious external causes may be events, people, or places that block your goals. Traffic is an example of something simple that can cause frustration. A colleague at work who seems hell-bent on undermining you and making you look bad to the boss is a more serious external frustration. But internal frustrations may be caused by personality traits such as a controlling personality, emotional sensitivity, or feelings of low self-esteem. These personality traits can make simple life events more frustrating than they have to be.

Unfortunately, frustration is like a “gateway drug” in the sense that it can lead to a variety of worse negative responses. It can make you feel helpless and cause you to quit. It can lead to depression or lower self-esteem and self-confidence. Frustration can cause explosive anger that hurts your relationships or physically harms others (road rage is a classic example). Sometimes frustration leads to addictive, self-destructive behavior. Because of this, it’s critically important to learn how to manage frustration.

Overcoming Frustration

Your first step in overcoming frustration is to determine exactly why you’re frustrated. What is the root cause of the frustration, and what events/people/places trigger the emotion to flare up? When you determine what’s really causing it (which is not necessarily the superficial causes that you can easily see) you can then begin to address it. For instance, morning traffic may make you slam your fist on the steering wheel, but if you were already frustrated or stressed when you got into the car, look at what was causing that feeling to find the possible root cause of your frustration.

Frustration in itself can be looked at in a positive light; it’s an opportunity to step back, look at your goals and the strategies you’re using to attain your goals, and make appropriate changes to be more effective. You may decide to take a different route to work to avoid traffic or have a conversation with the person at work (who might not actually be purposely undermining you). This kind of flexibility is an important component of overcoming frustration. 

Evaluating the root causes and developing alternative strategies does not always happen quickly, so you should also develop coping mechanisms to help temper the negative emotions that frustration often triggers. Besides the necessities of good health, including sufficient sleep and good nutrition, consider some of these activities:

  • Deep breathing, yoga, meditation
  • Moderate physical exercise
  • Walking the dog/snuggling with the cat
  • Painting a soothing subject
  • Doing a hobby you love
  • Chatting with a friend or loved one about pleasant things 

Everyone is different, so find your own ways to get your mind off whatever has you frustrated. Being able to cope with and overcome frustration is directly correlated to being happy and having a positive outlook on life, so it’s important to find what works for you to get your feelings of frustration under control. If you need to, reach out to a counselor or therapist to help you get on the right path to developing your own strategies for overcoming frustration.

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