Do you feel that you are being manipulated or lied to at work by a colleague, subordinate, or supervisor? This person may be engaging in behavior known as gaslighting. The act of gaslighting another person is considered abusive behavior and is probably causing you an enormous amount of stress and anxiety. Before it reaches a point of causing harm to your career and personal life, let’s talk so we can put together a plan to ensure it does not impact you.
The term “gaslighting” references a 1938 play called “Gaslight” in which the main character is being manipulated by her husband to think she’s crazy so that he can get her committed to a mental institution and continue his nefarious activities undeterred. The gaslight in the house dimmed every time he went into a supposedly inaccessible portion of the mansion. By convincing her that she was imagining it, hiding things from her and accusing her of misplacing or stealing them, denying events that took place, and other cruel lies, he almost succeeds, as she begins to act unstable. Fortunately, the play has a happy ending; the gaslighter is caught and his gaslighted wife is vindicated. The popular play was turned into a movie with Ingrid Bergman in 1944, becoming a part of American theater history, and giving us a term for this sort of manipulative emotional abuse.
Gaslighting is more commonly seen in personal relationships, but it can happen in the workplace, as well. It is a form of workplace bullying, but it tends to be more subtle, thus making it difficult to detect early on. You may gradually find yourself feeling off-base, unsure, and under-confident, and you can’t quite put your finger on why. If you’re feeling this way, examine the behavior of your boss or co-workers to see if you’ve been gaslighted.
Gaslighting is a persistent behavior that causes you to question reality or your own sanity. This is distinct from bullying or harassment, although one could argue that it is a form of both. There is always some cross-over with abusive behavior, because the abusive personality may have a variety of expressions. But what sets gaslighting apart is its subtle manipulation to undermine your sanity.
Examples of gaslighting
Below are some examples. Remember, one unnerving event does not count as gaslighting, but if it happens multiple times, you may be a victim of this controlling behavior.
A gaslighter may deny that you turned in a report. You may remember clearly completing the report and putting it on his desk because you stayed late to complete it. But the gaslighter is adamant that he didn’t receive it, so you begin to think up scenarios in which you may both be right – did someone take it? Did it fall in the trash? Did you actually forget to put it on his desk after all?
You may notice things disappearing from your desk (for instance, a stapler). You see one just like it on your coworker’s desk and you ask for it back, but he insists that it is his. You even see the same scrape on the stapler that you had on yours. He accuses you of lying and trying to take his stuff, making a scene. Now you may begin to second-guess yourself and wonder if you’re remembering correctly.
You begin to hear negative gossip about yourself. This may be a form of submarining, trying to make you look bad in front of coworkers. If someone tells you that a certain coworker is spreading rumors about you and he denies it vehemently and acts like his feelings are hurt that you would ever think something like that about him, you begin to doubt the friend who was trying to help you.
A coworker or boss says things that you consider unkind and you confront him. He then tells you you’re being too sensitive. You talk to him later and he entirely denies that he said such a thing.
Your boss does not tell you about an important meeting to attend, or she tells you it’s not important that you attend. Then when you don’t show up, she uses that as an opportunity to suggest at the meeting that you are a poor worker and blames you for not attending. She denies that she didn’t tell you about the meeting or that she told you not to attend.
A boss gives you constant negative feedback, tries to burst your bubble when you’re excited over a new project, and belittles work that you’re proud of. When he sees you are beginning to crack or he thinks you may be ready to quit, he gives you unexpected praise, even in front of others, to build you back up. Now you start to regret thinking ill of him, but you also wonder why he’s praising you for this small thing when he was tearing down all the great work you were doing before. Or was he? You start doubting your memories of his bad behavior, wondering if you really were oversensitive. You start to think that maybe he really is a great guy who appreciates your work. Maybe it really is all your fault, after all.
This is where gaslighting leads you – to a state of self-mistrust, self-blame, anxiety, and instability. This emotional abuse can be truly devastating. Gaslighters need control of the people they gaslight. They don’t want you quitting and they don’t want you figuring them out.
What do you do about gaslighting?
If you’ve finally started to see through the gaslighter, don’t try to confront him alone and without hard evidence. Start keeping a journal and documenting everything. Don’t give things to him by hand or tell him things verbally; send emails and texts so you have a paper trail. Record meetings. In some states, all parties involved have to agree to a recording, but New York State, where I am located, is a one-party consent state. Hitting the record button as you enter into a meeting with your boss or coworker is a legal activity. Out of courtesy, you may inform those present that you are recording, but if the gaslighter refuses to be recorded you can refer them to New York Recording Law.
Once your gaslighter knows you are onto them, their behavior may change. Or they may become less subtle and more belligerent or try to undermine you with their superiors. Don’t back down. Get other coworkers to support you and present your evidence. You will feel a real sense of accomplishment when you are able to stand up to a gaslighter. Undoubtedly, you’re not the only person they are mistreating.
If you need help with strategies and with standing up to a bully or gaslighter in your life, reach out to an experienced counselor in your area. If you are in the NYC region, reach out to me. I’d love to see how I can help you.