Most people, after they have a conflict, find themselves thinking it through—what happened, why, and what to do about it. Depending on the intensity of the conflict, this can be a difficult evaluation, but it is an important step to take in order to get clarity on the cause of the conflict and your next steps.
However, few of us can evaluate a conflict calmly and rationally. That’s because conflict signals danger, and our fight-or-flight nervous system responses often kick in. One’s personality, past experiences, and physical health are all factors that determine the intensity of your response. If you find yourself ruminating on the conflict, unable to stop overthinking, you will need to take some steps to learn how to get your thoughts under control, get out of fight-or-flight, and make rational decisions about your next steps.
The hidden cause of overthinking
You’ve just had a fight with your spouse. You find yourself awake in the middle of the night, thinking: Why did he use that tone of voice or that facial expression? Or why am I always the one who has to give in and apologize? Why doesn’t she give in and apologize first sometimes? Or he was late for dinner again tonight. It was natural that I asked why. What made him so touchy? Is he having an affair?
Overthinking can fall into several categories:
Blaming: Whether you blame yourself or your partner: I’m so stupid. He’s so selfish. That was a reasonable question; why did she jump down my throat like that?
Controlling: I’m just trying to help, and I’ve done all this research—why doesn’t he listen to me? I’m the rational one; she needs professional help.
Doubt and worry: What if he’s seeing someone else? She’s bored with me. Is our relationship going to last?
Though these ruminating thoughts seem different, in my experience as a psychotherapist, the hidden cause of all these different forms of overthinking and ruminating is fear. All these questions, in different ways, are asking the core questions we have in our relationships:
Am I safe with you? Are we safe as a couple? Are we OK? Do you really care?
We desperately want to solve the problem in our heads, going over and over it in our minds to try to find safety signals, and all we keep finding are danger signals—which we ourselves may be generating with our constant thinking and replaying, and sometimes replaying incorrectly. Give our brains a narrative, and we’ll replay it forever, if we let it.
So, what do we do?
Recognize the biological component
If you’ve just had a conflict with your spouse and you’re able to sleep like a baby afterward, you are clearly feeling safe and secure in your relationship. But if you’re having trouble sleeping, you want to discuss it again first thing the next morning, or you just feel like checking out emotionally, you are still in fight-or-flight mode. Your first step, before anything else, is to recognize that mode and turn it off.
- Ask yourself: Where am I feeling this in my body right now? When you shift your attention from your thoughts to your body patterns, you interrupt those thoughts and return to the here and now.
- Notice where you feel your stress. Is it in your stomach? Your head? Are your muscles tight? Your jaw? Recognize it and consciously acknowledge it.
- Speak out loud your recognition that you are in survival mode. The brain responds differently to spoken words than silent words. Say something like, “I can’t think about this rationally while my body is in survival mode. I have to get out of fight-or-flight before giving this any more thought.”
- Break the cycle of fear: Take long, deep breaths with exhales longer than inhales; take a walk outside and notice nature; do something energetic (your body is keyed up for fight or flight—give it a release); splash cold water on your face or wipe yourself with a cold washcloth; ground yourself by feeling your feet on the grass or leaning against a tree.
These steps are important for calming the nervous system and bringing yourself back to a feeling of relative safety. You may still need to address the conflict, but you need to be in that calm state to do so.
If you approach your partner about the conflict, don’t start with “When you said this, I felt that.” Start with the real cause. “Last night when we had our disagreement, I got pretty upset, because I was feeling afraid that we weren’t ok.” This tender vulnerability usually helps both partners remember their love and commitment, even in the face of disagreements.
Getting help
The steps I’ve outlined are helpful to break the cycle of rumination when you’re in it. But if this is a common occurrence with you, you may need to seek professional help. Habits are formed for a reason, and they are hard to break if that reason still exists. But once you have resolved the reason for the habit, it becomes fairly easy to change.
As a psychotherapist in New York City, I have helped many clients identify the root causes of their overthinking or rumination so they can resolve them in a safe, encouraging environment and move into a future full of inner peace and healthy relationships. If you’re in the NYC area, reach out to see how I can help you.