Should You Participate in Pre-marital Counseling Before You Get Married?

Posted on September 3, 2021 by Alisa Hafkin

Marriage counseling before marriage may sound like putting the cart before the horse, as the saying goes. Such counseling is generally referred to as pre-marital counseling (for obvious reasons) and it is not a sign that your relationship is in trouble. On the contrary, attending counseling before you tie the knot is a sign that the couple is committed to giving themselves the very best chance of achieving a relationship filled with trust and intimacy. 

Multiple studies have demonstrated that pre-marital counseling significantly strengthens marriages and decreases divorce rates in counseled couples. This is because couples ask the big questions and address possible problems before they face them, giving them time to work through them without the emotional pressure that is present in the midst of the situation. 

Communication

In any relationship, communication is the key to success. During pre-marital therapy, couples learn how to effectively communicate in ways their future spouse will understand. To do this, we delve a bit into what motivates each of them, their likes and dislikes, and possible past events that have framed their thinking. They can then practice how to communicate effectively as they discuss the big questions and potential problems that may arise over the decades to come. At the same time, they will learn how to resolve heated arguments and how to make up afterward.

Big Questions

There are a lot of big questions that many couples surprisingly do not discuss before marriage. Some of the big questions addressed in pre-marital counseling include:

  • How committed are you to this relationship and fidelity to your partner? Do you agree that “affairs of the heart” are as devastating as sexual infidelity and commit to complete emotional fidelity?
  • Where would you prefer to live? Do you prefer a city, suburban, or rural setting? Do you want to be near family or farther away?
  • What are your feelings about children? How many would you like to have? What opinions do you have about discipline, allowance, sports, education?
  • How important is your spiritual life to you? If faiths differ, how will you both practice your religions? In whose religious beliefs will the children be brought up and will they go through the rituals of the religion?
  • What are each partner’s relationship with their own parents/family and the future in-laws? What family expectations does each person have, with regard to visits, communication, holidays, etc.?
  • What are each partner’s career expectations? Does one or both of you have jobs that take more than 40 hours per week? Is travel involved? How will you maintain your relationship when there is little time together? Would changing jobs be a possibility? Will family be a priority over career?
  • What are your feelings regarding money? This is huge. It touches on everything from day-to-day spending and savings to home-buying, career, saving for children’s education, and more.

Potential Problems

Though we go through many potential hot points in counseling, couples need to be ready to use the skills learned to address problems as they arise. One of the issues that often pop up is traditional gender roles. While in counseling we may discuss big topics, such as staying home to raise the children, other issues will arise organically as the marriage progresses. Couples will need to address the division of labor around the house and be flexible. 

Sexual intimacy is a sensitive subject, but it should not be avoided. It is the core of marriage, and spouses need to be comfortable sharing with each other their expectations and their preferences. This is covered in pre-marital counseling, but as time goes on, preferences or expectations change. Lessons learned in pre-marital counseling should be able to help couples work through each situation as it arises. 

When married couples come to me for marital counseling, they are often hurting. If both are committed to healing, we work together to achieve a healthy relationship. However, when I lead couples through pre-marital counseling, they gain confidence from what they learned in our sessions before conflict arises, helping them avoid a lot of future strife. If you are in the NYC area and would like marital or pre-marital counseling, contact me.

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Addiction and Marriage: How to Know When Enough Is Enough

Posted on June 18, 2021 by Alisa Hafkin

When a spouse suffers from addiction, the whole family suffers. Addiction is a disease that looks more like a character flaw. In some cases, personality may play a part in the addiction, as well as stressors, past trauma, or a predisposed tendency toward addiction. But once an addiction has taken root in a person, it can be very difficult to reverse – but not impossible. Divorce from an addicted spouse is not inevitable. Many people recover from addiction. Your particular situation and your addicted spouse’s condition will determine what is best and safest for you and your family. 

Addiction comes in many forms. The National Survey on Drug Use and Health reports that over 24 million Americans are in marriages in which at least one spouse has a substance abuse problem. This can include alcohol, hard drugs, and marijuana, including use for supposed medical purposes. Other addictions can include gambling, gaming, shopping or spending, pornography or sex addiction, and eating disorders.

Addiction brings about many negative behaviors that damage trust and a sense of security in a marriage: lying, cheating, stealing, explosive emotions, emotional withdrawal, financial problems, and even violence. I want to underscore this point – no matter how much you love your spouse and want to help him or her, never remain in a dangerous situation. Get yourself and your children to safety immediately.

Even in the face of this negative behavior, addiction is not a measure of your spouse’s love for you or the kids, although it can feel like it, especially with a sex and pornography addiction. All addictions in a relationship need emotional healing in addition to restoring the loss of trust and security that addiction can bring. 

Steps that can be tried to heal the marriage

Don’t threaten a divorce unless you’re ready to go through with it. While sometimes getting divorced forces the ex to clean up their act since they now have half the income and no support system, it doesn’t always work. Try these steps first, if possible.

  1. Counseling and 12-step programs: Many, many people recover from addiction with the help of specialized addiction counseling and 12-step programs designed for your spouse’s particular problem. But the addicted person needs to want it. That’s why Alcoholics Anonymous, the flagship 12-step program, begins with the person admitting he or she is an addict. “My name is Mary and I’m an alcoholic.” Until your spouse can admit a problem, you can go to a counselor who is an expert in your situation to help you remain emotionally healthy as you try to help your spouse recognize and admit the addiction.
  2. Intervention: A family-and-friend intervention can be very effective in helping an addict become aware of his or her condition and take action. Often times there are family dynamics that allow the addiction to continue. With the help of a counselor or individual who knows how to lead interventions, the family and the addict can be educated on what addiction is, what creates the environment for addiction, and how to cut it off.
  3. Separation: A separation without a divorce may be a wake-up call to the addicted spouse. This step separates not only your living arrangements but also financial arrangements, which could possibly spur action towards healing on the part of the addicted spouse. 

What to expect in a divorce

Divorce is difficult for all parties and I encourage people to try the above steps first. But if you feel like you’ve tried everything and you decide to go the route of divorce, don’t expect it to go smoothly. Your spouse is not rational. That’s the nature of addiction. Negative behavior will continue; if there was lying and cheating during the marriage, there will be lying and cheating during the divorce process. Make sure you hire a divorce lawyer who has experience working with addiction cases. 

Creating a new marriage

If your spouse is working on overcoming the addiction, there is a great deal of hope for your marriage, but you will have to work through the damage that has been done. Counseling during this healing process will help you confront the pain, hurt, and anger. It will give you the opportunity to address ongoing concerns. And it will help you set up new structures of behavior and communication that can decrease the likelihood of backsliding into addiction or other negative behaviors. Really, it’s a chance to create a whole new marriage, perhaps even stronger than before, because you’ve weathered the storm together and are ready to chart a new course into the future.

Find a professional marriage counselor in your area who is an expert in helping couples overcome addiction. If you’re in the New York City area, I’d be happy to speak to you.

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Emotional Safety and How to Set Boundaries

Posted on March 15, 2021 by Alisa Hafkin

Healthy social engagement depends on emotional safety. We need to feel safe in order to allow ourselves to be vulnerable with others and create healthy emotional connections. Relationship problems can stem from not knowing how to create emotionally safe environments through self-awareness and boundary-setting. 

New studies are revealing that we have neural pathways that respond to environmental stimuli to define a situation as safe, dangerous, or life-threatening. These evaluations are subconscious and automatic, but they trigger metabolic and chemical changes. When our nervous system senses we are “safe,” our facial muscles relax, our ears listen better, and we are able to respond in healthy social ways. If our bodies sense dangerous or life-threatening conditions, those systems shut down.

This autonomic system helps us understand the need for us to examine ourselves, our lifestyles, and our relationships for circumstances that may be creating a sense of danger within us, creating anxiety, stress, emotional outbursts, or unhealthy relationships.

 Evaluate your situation

As a marriage and couples therapist, I often see people’s stressful situations spilling into their relationships. People who have high-stress jobs, for instance, should be able to come home and experience peace away from the job. However, this often is not the case, because they are still signaling a sense of danger – a tense facial expression, a heightened awareness of threats, real or imagined, and emotional distance. This is subconsciously communicated to their spouse and children, who then feel threatened by the over-stressed partner/parent. 

In these situations, when couples know they’re safe but don’t really “feel” safe emotionally, I help couples learn how to send “safe” signals to each other. 

Create boundaries

Sometimes, however, problems are more complicated. Certain people in your life may actually be unsafe for you, at least in the way your relationship currently is. In these cases, it’s important to determine the cause of these feelings and set up appropriate emotional boundaries. 

You may not have healthy boundaries if you allow a friend’s problems to affect your peace, or you take on other people’s moods when you’re around them. You may feel dependent upon another person for emotional support. You may be unable to say no to people, or you may put up with someone’s rudeness, bullying, or abusive behavior.

Concrete ways to create emotional safety

Start setting up emotional boundaries now, so that you can create an environment that supports emotional safety. Here are a few important first steps: 

  1. Recognize the need to put your own emotional, mental, and physical health first before helping others. Just as in airplanes you are instructed to put on your own oxygen mask before you put on your child’s, you must first care for yourself before you can care for others.
  2. Learn to say no to requests that make you uncomfortable, you don’t want to do, or you don’t have time to do.
  3. Create structure in your life to help you with the “saying no” part. For instance, if you plan to spend one hour of quality time with your family every evening and someone asks you to take on a task that would interfere with that time, you can more easily say, “I’m sorry, I do not have time to take that on,” or even “I have other plans.”
  4. Be willing to ask for help and accept help when it’s offered.
  5. Learn to delegate. You don’t have to do everything yourself.
  6. If you feel uncomfortable about the way you are being treated, speak up.
  7. Some people are toxic – they may talk about their own problems all the time, gossip, try to manipulate you, have bad tempers, or be abusive. Do what you can to eliminate those people from your lives. If the person is a boss, you may have to look for another job or find ways to limit your exposure to them. If that person is a family member or spouse, a counselor or even a family member willing to mediate may be able to help heal the toxicity.
  8. Do not carry guilt or allow others to make you feel guilty for not helping them. The kindest thing you can do for them is to take care of your own emotional and physical health so you can be there for them when they really need you. 

Reach out to a counselor or a support group as you begin to make boundaries and create a feeling of emotional safety in your life.

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How to Work from Home Without Feeling Alone: 8 Suggestions

Posted on March 15, 2021 by Alisa Hafkin

Before COVID, working from home was a perk in some companies. Since the pandemic, many companies have most of their workforce working from home. And while some jobs may eventually return to the office, many will remain remote, at least for part of the work week. There are pros and cons to working from home, but you can decrease or eliminate the cons with a few small changes to your workday.

Working from home has great advantages: flexibility in your workday, time and money saved without the commute, and fewer interruptions from people stopping by your desk to chat. But it can be lonely and isolating. And in its own way, it can be distracting, especially if you start to get stir-crazy and allow yourself to be drawn away to other things (like social media) or grind and grind over some minor detail that you would have been able to get past quickly in a more stimulating environment. 

It can even bad for your health. When we work at home, we might find ourselves rolling out of bed, heading to the home office, and sitting and staring at the computer without moving for hours on end. But in the workplace, you might have gotten up for coffee, carried some papers to a coworker, or gone to a meeting. This movement, even though not much, is important for your health. 

So here are a few suggestions that can help you be happy, healthy, connected, and productive while working from home. Personalities are different – extroverts, introverts, and those in between will find their favorite ways to work, so let these suggestions guide you to what works for you. 

Business calls: Plan calls in the morning or right after a lunch break, to help invigorate you to get moving first thing or to get back to work after lunch. 

Videoconferencing: Most companies have instituted regular video meetings, but if yours has not, or if you feel the need for more, go ahead and connect with some colleagues on your own. It could be to chat about a project or it could be just a weekly social call to maintain that camaraderie and connection. I recommend video calls to get the best effect, short of actually being together. If possible, meet for lunch from time to time.

Connect with local business groups: There are lots of local organizations, some purely business, some with a philanthropic aspect, that allow professionals to meet regularly, develop friendships, and network. Even if you meet via Zoom, the connections are real, and they can positively affect both your mood and your business success.

Get up and move: Set a reminder if you have to, but take a few minutes every hour to stretch, get coffee, or do some eye exercises (yes, there are eye exercises for people who stare at screens all day). You need to get your lymph moving through your body, change the positions of your muscles, and give your brain a boost of happy hormones from movement and exercise. Try to plan a dedicated period of exercise of at least 20 minutes, 3-4 times per week. 

Get outside daily: You have the flexibility, so use it! We all need fresh air and vitamin D from the sun, so go outside, even if it’s just to do your stretches on the back porch. Fresh air and exercise have also been proven to improve mood. 

Vary your workspace: How about taking the laptop out to the patio? Move to a different room every few days, or go to a café to work for a few hours? Shared workspaces are useful for people who feel they need an office environment to really concentrate. 

Give yourself some background noise: This is a personal preference. Some people prefer silence, others like classical music, others contemporary, and others just want office sounds in the background. Fortunately, you can go online and find whatever music you like, and even soundtracks of office noise (ambient or white noise). Experiment to find out what works for you, and you might find that, depending on your project, you change up your background noise to give you the greatest productivity.

Interact with a pet or family member: Often you’re not the only one in the house when you work from home. This can help alleviate loneliness. Walk the dog, have lunch with your spouse, and enjoy the extra time you have with them. 

If you have to work from home, you can make it work for you, and you’ll probably find that you love the freedom and flexibility it gives.

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Setting Marriage Goals

Posted on March 15, 2021 by Alisa Hafkin

We often make goals for ourselves, but it’s also beneficial to make goals in our relationships. If you’re married, the most critical relationship on earth is the one with your spouse. Marriage – the blending of two very different people into a new, special unit – is challenging by its very nature, but it can and often does bring a sense of joy and completeness to life when done well. As a marriage counselor, I have the privilege of helping couples strengthen and heal their marriages so they can truly know that joy. 

Big Picture Marriage Goals

There are certain fundamentals that are necessary for every healthy marriage, and talking these out together and committing to them will put your marriage on a very strong foundation. These qualities include:

  • Committing to putting effort into your marriage
  • Treating each other with respect and trust
  • Building healthy communication
  • Committing to quality time together on a regular basis
  • Being willing to compromise, and accepting fundamental differences
  • Appreciating each other’s differences and focusing on strengths
  • Regularly fulfilling each other’s need for intimacy and tenderness
  • Forgiving each other when your imperfections hurt each other 

These qualities don’t always come easy to everyone, and as a counselor, I help couples work through them, develop them, and strengthen them. 

How to Apply the Big Picture Goals to Daily Life

Applying these fundamentals can differ from couple to couple, depending on their personalities, situations in life, and personal interests. But here is a list of some things I have suggested to couples that have been very helpful, depending on their particular needs:

  • Less time looking at the screen, more time with each other: Set a time of the night when phones, TV, etc. go off and you spend time together instead. Commit to no phones or distractions at dinner! Turn your attention to each other and your children, if you have them.
  • More date nights: Plan them into your schedule and commit to them. It doesn’t have to be dinner out, it can be a shared activity or sport, like biking together. Just plan it and do it.
  • Add a new relationship ritual: You could write each other a weekly love letter; share coffee in bed on Sunday mornings; have a daily 30-second hug; say a prayer together before bed.
  • Celebrate the day: Talk about what went well that day, and share at least one thing that you’re grateful for. Some people talk about their day’s highs and lows, but studies show that focusing on highs is healthier emotionally. This is not to say we should ignore bad days or sad feelings. Discussing what’s bothering you is very important, but focusing on the positive is a formula for healing.
  • Read a book together: Reading a book and discussing it is a powerful ritual. The book can be about a shared interest; it can be about something one of you is interested in and wants to share with the other; it can be about improving your marriage or improving communication; or it could be a work of literature. Pick something you both agree on and take the time to read and discuss it over a few weeks, building shared experience and delving deeper into each other’s thoughts.
  • Plan a romantic getaway: Depending on your budget and time, it can be a day-trip, a weekend, or a trip of a lifetime.
  • Commit to improving your communication skills: Keep the big picture goals in mind at all times when communicating. Consider reading a book about marital communication together, and find what techniques work for you. If you have a real problem, an experienced marriage counselor can help you develop the key skills necessary for healthy communication.
  • Get physically fit together: It’s fun to work out together or choose healthier foods together.

This is just a short list of possible goals you can set. Talk with your spouse about which of these ideas you might both enjoy doing, or come up with your own. There are many marriage websites, books, and support groups with other ideas. 

Marriage goals are not an opportunity to bludgeon the other spouse with something that you don’t like, for instance, “don’t be so lazy” or “stop spending so much money.” You may have those issues to work out, but these goals are meant to be shared commitments to each other to strengthen your marriage. And I have found, from my experience, that when couples focus on the big picture goals and choose specific activities to put them into practice, other problems improve. 

If you need help, don’t give up. Talk to a marriage therapist in your area, or reach out to me in the NYC region to help your marriage flourish.

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Your Mental Health Goals for 2021 and Beyond

Posted on March 15, 2021 by Alisa Hafkin

We all know about making “New Year’s Resolutions.” Common resolutions may be to lose weight, quit smoking, or start a new hobby. These may be good resolutions in themselves, and we are now in to the third month of the New Year so did you made your mental health New Year’s Resolutions, too? 

Remember that your resolutions should be specific to your needs, not what others say you should do. Maybe you should lose weight, quit smoking, or start a hobby, but should they be priorities? Will they, at this moment in time, help or harm your mental health? If you give yourself the goal of exercising 3 times a week, will that actually cause you more mental stress if you really don’t have the internal drive to do it? Choose resolutions with your own mental health and immediate needs in mind. 

Make Realistic Goals

You may have heard about making S.M.A.R.T. goals. This acronym stands for Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, and Time-limited. It’s a good general guideline, but don’t stress out about making sure you hit every point! 

The idea is to choose “Specific” actions that are “Realistic” and “Achievable” for you, personally. “Measurable” might mean writing down your mood each day to see progress over time, but if this causes stress for you, try a weekly, big-picture evaluation. “Time-limited” may refer to short-term and long-term goals or goals that are connected with a specific event in life, like preparing for your wedding or graduating college. 

Mental Health Goals for 2021 – or Any Time

Some big picture goals and suggested actions include:

  • Practice self-love and self-compassion: Start every day with a positive statement about the day and about yourself – “today will be a great day” or “I can handle anything that comes my way today” or “I am a strong person”; post supportive quotes and images where you’ll see them every day and say them out loud; develop consistent self-love rituals, such as journaling, regular pampering sessions, and meditation or deep breathing.
  • Practice mindfulness or meditation: Take time daily to just be present in the moment – sit quietly and listen to your breathing, notice sounds of birds, the warmth of the air around you, and relax; take time daily to pray or to meditate on positive thoughts.
  • Set boundaries: Learn to say no to activities that overwhelm you; decrease interaction with individuals who produce anxiety in your life. If such an individual is a family member or co-worker and difficult to avoid, consider counseling or support groups to help you improve the relationship or cope in a healthy manner.
  • Care for your body: Develop an exercise routine that is realistic for you. If you have a dog to walk, that counts. Maybe “power walk” instead of just walking casually. Find a friend who also wants to get in shape and help each other with your goals.
  • Challenge negative thoughts: Develop the skill to examine your thoughts and watch for negativity. Everyone has negative thoughts sometimes, but you don’t have to believe everything that comes into your mind! Control negative thoughts by evaluating if they are actually true – often there is no evidence to support the thought. Even if it is partially true, be kind to yourself, because no one is perfect; direct your mind to thoughts that challenge the non-credible or half-truth. For instance, if you think, “I’m so stupid!” ask yourself, “Is that really true?” Of course, it’s not. Replace that negative thought with examples of your intelligence. This is an excellent habit to develop.
  • Manage stress, anxiety, depression: Evaluate stressors in your life and find ways to limit or eliminate them, possibly with the help of a friend or counselor; use of the goals above to help manage stress, anxiety, and depression. 

Remember, consistency is more important than perfection when it comes to mental health goals. “Perfect” is impossible. “Pretty good” is an achievement in itself! For most people, applying a few of the suggestions above does wonders for mental health. However, if you feel you need additional help, please reach out to a support group or an experienced counselor. No one needs to suffer alone. From my years as a counselor, I can assure you that it is possible for you to feel better, happier, and less stressed. Find a counselor in your area, or feel free to reach out to me in the NYC area.

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Your Mental Health during COVID-19

Posted on January 5, 2021 by Alisa Hafkin

The restrictions that have been imposed due to the pandemic have had a dramatic effect on overall mental health, according to a Gallup poll taken in November 2020. Although the majority of adults in America currently rate their mental health as excellent or good (76%), that represents a 9 point drop over 2019 and a corresponding sharp increase in negative ratings. As a counselor, I don’t need a Gallup poll to tell me people are experiencing a decline in mental and emotional health because of the pandemic and the restrictions imposed to contain the spread. 

Now enter the second wave of COVID-19. Some states are implementing shutdowns again, which could cause continued deterioration in the mental health of both children and adults in America. If you’ve been feeling negative emotional consequences of the pandemic, you are going to have to be extra vigilant and make a strong, intentional effort to take steps to keep yourself in a positive mental state. 

Do the basics

Be very intentional about maintaining basic habits that have a significant impact on your mental health. These include eating healthy foods on a regular basis, getting sufficient sleep, and exercising. When you are feeling low or experiencing anxiety or depression, it can be difficult to motivate yourself to maintain basic healthy habits. If you’re experiencing this scenario, find a “basics buddy” to whom you can be accountable. Your buddy might also need help to keep up healthy habits, so it could really be good for both of you.

 Find more ways to connect

Maybe you were ok not seeing people for a couple of months during the initial restrictions. But if you keep it up for too long, you may find such isolation adversely affecting your relationships and your emotional and mental health. Now is the time to look into participating in online book clubs, setting up chat groups with friends, and planning regular, scheduled “visits” with family members utilizing one of the many video conferencing platforms available. 

Research new financial streams

If your income has been impacted, don’t allow yourself to give up or sit around the house. Do some research to look into side gigs that would work in this new economy. You might be surprised at the many ways you can make money! 

You can sell things on eBay or Craig’s List, look into being a distributor for a product you really love, or begin a hobby creating products you can sell, like homemade soaps. Try freelancing or consulting. Publish an ebook. Get paid to take surveys or do user tests. 

Just the act of discovering the many income options available can give you a sense of hope that things may turn out all right. By finding what works for you and starting to earn your own little side income, you could be building something that will be a source of relief. 

Get help

There’s no doubt that the longer the shutdown lasts, the more difficult it will be to maintain long-term emotional and mental health. If you are trying to implement these steps and it just isn’t giving you enough relief, do not hesitate to get help from a licensed mental health expert. Find someone in your area, or feel free to call me today to see how I can help. 

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Strengthening Your Marriage During the Pandemic

Posted on January 5, 2021 by Alisa Hafkin

Proximity does not automatically equal connection. During the pandemic, you and your spouse may be spending many more hours together in the same location, but that doesn’t mean you’re connecting better – in fact, you may be having a harder time. Or if one or both of you are essential workers, you may not be “stuck” together all the time as many married couples are, but you may have additional stress from being out and about during the pandemic, probably working harder than usual and possibly being in greater risk of catching COVID-19.

These are the times that can try a marriage, but you can use this time to strengthen your marriage instead if you take proactive steps.

Have an attitude of gratitude. You will hear this advice in virtually every self-help or mental health recommendation, and for good reason – it works. A positive, thankful attitude colors the way you react to all the experiences of life. During this time of pandemic, when it’s so easy to focus on what we don’t have right now, focus on what you do have instead.

Affirm your spouse daily. This is connected to a spirit of gratitude and positivity. While your spouse may have some annoying traits, recognize that he or she is not perfect and doesn’t have to be. Your spouse is his or her own person, as are you. You don’t want your spouse to try to mold you into the “perfect” person either. So take time to focus on your life partner’s positive traits and affirm them every day. Certainly, thank your spouse for kind acts (“Thanks so much for cleaning up that spill before someone slipped”) but also affirm qualities (“You always seem to notice what other people need before they ask. That’s a wonderful trait.”)

When you verbalize a person’s good points, not only does it make the other person feel appreciated, it makes you actually appreciate the person more. This strengthens your relationship against many stressors and creates an atmosphere in which you can, when necessary, discuss areas of your marriage that need improvement without damaging your bond.

Show mutual respect. With all the stress we’re under, either from being cooped up at home or being an essential worker, there is bound to be an increase of annoyances. If you are regularly affirming your spouse, you should be in a good place to be able to address important issues lovingly and respectfully without hurt feelings. If necessary, you can come up with a “code phrase” that evokes a sense of playful love as a precursor to the discussion. It could be a line from a movie you both know (“What we have here is a failure to communicate!”) that signals you need to talk. Admit candidly to each other that the other person might not want to hear what has to be said right now, but agree to disarm or drop barriers so that you can both discuss the issue civilly and peacefully and allow time to internalize.

Hug, kiss, and spend time together. Oxytocin is one of those hormones released from the brain that creates good feelings. This hormone is released in long embraces of 20 seconds or more and in kisses of 3 seconds or more. I recommend hugging and kissing like this at least twice a day, creating a physical and hormonal bond between you.

Still keep up your “date night,” or start one if you haven’t been in the habit. You don’t have to go out, just spend time together, away from the children, work, and chores. This can also include picking up a hobby together, like bicycling, puzzle-building, or origami. Whatever it is, let it include exercise and/or discussion, not sitting in front of the TV or video screen together. Though the occasional movie night can be fun, it doesn’t foster as much communication and bonding. 

These pieces of advice apply to marriage at any time, but during the pandemic, sensitivity, respect, communication, and spending time together are critically important. Contact me if you find your marriage needs some help from a marriage counselor to make it through these tough times.

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Creativity – Could It Be the Answer to Curbing Stress?

Posted on January 5, 2021 by Alisa Hafkin

Most of us deal with stress at various times in our lives. Currently, while our world still struggles against the COVID-19 pandemic, that stress and anxiety is heightened in many people. However, research shows that creativity may be an important key to reducing stress and anxiety and living longer, healthier lives.

The Science of Creativity

In a recent study carried out by the Journal of the American Art Therapy Association, researchers gave healthy adults some basic art supplies to use for 45 minutes. The study found that 75% of the participants experienced a drop in their cortisol level, which is the hormone the body secretes in response to stress. 

A study done by Johns Hopkins on jazz musicians found that as the musicians improvised, the frontal area of the brain used for deliberation, self-monitoring, or test-taking decreased in activity. This suggests the “turning off” of more conscious thought, freeing more experiential and emotional parts of the brain to express themselves. 

Another study followed 1,000 elderly men over nearly 20 years and found that the more creative men lived longer, healthier lives. 

Reducing Your Stress Levels

All this science just demonstrates what we counselors have known all along – that focusing on a creative pursuit helps the mind to slow down, be in the present moment, be diverted from that which is causing stress or anxiety, and ultimately, feel more peaceful. 

Creativity engages the imagination, which frees us of the taskmaster of the prefrontal cortex – as the jazz musicians taught us – while still providing enough framework for being constructive and productive. When you’re really, deeply focused on your task, you can reach a state called “flow,” technically defined as an “optimal state of consciousness where we feel our best and perform our best.” When you’re in this state, you may lose track of time, not notice anything else that’s going on, and “forget yourself.”

The wonderful thing about creative pursuits is that they release massive amounts of pleasure-inducing, performance-inducing chemicals in the brain: dopamine, endorphins, serotonin, and more. All these help to improve our mood, thus decreasing stress and anxiety. These “happy hormones” really flood the system when you reach the state of flow and often last for days afterward. 

The key to applying the benefits of creativity to your life is to determine what you actually like to do that can distract you from your stressors and give you the opportunity to escape into a world of creation and expression. Any creative endeavor will do, really. Try a couple of things and find what works best for you. 

If the idea of a blank piece of paper and crayons causes you to panic because you “don’t know what to draw,” try adult coloring books. They are a great springboard for releasing your inner artist. Perhaps you have musical skills. Have you ever tried composing? What about creative writing? Maybe try poetry or short stories. Creative cooking, creative dance, photography – there are many avenues you can try.

Remember, the goal is to find a creative pursuit that takes your mind off what is causing you anxiety and onto the creation of something new and beautiful. Find what moves you, what lifts your spirits, and dive in.

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Politics and Your Marriage

Posted on January 5, 2021 by Alisa Hafkin

Every couple has differences. You’re two different people with different backgrounds, different experiences, and different triggers. Some differences are inconsequential and easily overlooked, but when they are connected with deeply held beliefs and core values, as is usually the case with politics, religion, and child-rearing, much sensitivity and compassion are required to ensure peaceful coexistence. 

Of the three issues, politics may be the easiest to tackle. But that doesn’t mean it will be easy. When you and your spouse disagree on politics, you may feel threatened, as if your concept of right and wrong is being challenged. When dealing with political differences, the most important qualities that must be in play are the sincere desire to treat your spouse with respect, to understand each other, and to find common ground – or at least declare a ceasefire. You don’t have to agree on everything, and that’s ok. 

When working through your differences, try these strategies:

  • Choose love and respect. See the differences as an opportunity to get to know each other better, to understand each other better, and to grow closer by it. Attitude is just about the most important aspect of mental health and relationship health. A positive, respectful, mutually supportive attitude can carry a couple through almost any hardship in life. And there will be hardships, so consider working through this issue as practice for the big stuff that may come.
  • Discuss and listen. Approach differences with curiosity. Be interested in why your spouse has these views and discover the key issues that motivate that decision, then compare them to the key issues that motivate you. Just seeing that you’re focusing on different things might be enough to explain your differences. You might agree that, yes, Candidate A might do a better job on this issue, but Candidate B might do a better job on that issue. Recognizing the strengths each candidate has can help you both feel validated as you recognize that based on your key issues, each has a valid point.
  • Consider triggers. The person you support might remind your spouse of someone he or she was hurt by – an authoritarian parent or a bad boss, perhaps. It’s hard sometimes to separate our emotions from our judgments.
  • Your trigger might not be the person but rather an issue that upsets you in an unhealthy manner. If you feel you’re getting angry or emotionally upset, take deep breaths or take a break. Watch for this in your spouse as well, and take a break if necessary. If one issue is particularly painful, you may have to agree not to discuss that issue.
  • Look at yourself and ask, “How would I feel if my spouse said that to me?” Ask yourself if you are following the golden rule in your political discussions – do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
  • If all else fails, ban the subject until after the election. This also means not watching or reading political information in each other’s presence. This way you avoid overhearing what is going on and seeing each other’s reactions. When the election is over, no gloating if your candidate won; no sulking if your candidate lost; and no saying “I told you so.” The goal is to keep the peace.

If you’re having political differences in your relationship, maybe have your spouse read this article so you’re both following the same game plan. As an added bonus, the principles used to overcome or at least live in harmony with political differences can also be applied to other sensitive issues like religion and child-rearing. These have their own unique difficulties, but they, too, can be resolved amicably, when the couple is committed to each other.

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