Individual Goals, Relationship Goals, and Shared Meaning

Posted on January 10, 2025 by Alisa Hafkin

In my years of experience counseling couples to strengthen healthy relationships and heal troubled ones, I have found that it is very helpful for couples to have both individual and relationship goals. But an even deeper need is for a couple to have shared meaning, which should be the ultimate goal of all their other goals. 

The challenge arises when the partners disagree but they don’t know how to discuss their differences and come to a healthy consensus. If you are struggling with this, an experienced couples therapist can help you set healthy goals and find that shared meaning.

The difference between individual and shared goals

Goals give you a roadmap to follow through life. It’s healthy to have individual goals as well as goals for your relationship. However, it’s important to set them congruently so that they support and enhance each other. This is the best way to find shared meaning in life and increase your own personal happiness and your satisfaction as a couple. 

Individual goals refer to your development as an individual, such as your career, hobbies, personal development, health, and wellness.

Shared goals can refer to goals that focus on your relationship as well as more tangible goals about your future life together. Relationship goals may emphasize improving communication, spending time together, building shared interests, and increasing intimacy and affection. Tangible goals may include your plans for growing your family, buying a home, or making long-term financial plans. 

It’s important for couples to balance their individual goals with their shared goals so that they do not conflict. Couples can also disagree on shared goals – the level of intimacy, the size of the family, and the pursuit of wealth are common differences that I have helped couples navigate.

Finding consensus

The first step in defining your goals is to discuss them. Make it fun! Plan a special evening, a day at the park, or a romantic overnight stay in order to begin the discussion with the right tone. Each of you should think about things beforehand to be ready to share in your mutual brainstorming session. In preparation, ask yourselves questions about your personal goals, like:

  • What dreams do you have for yourself?
  • What steps would you like to take to improve your physical and emotional well-being?
  • Is there anything you’d really like to do or any place you’d like to go?
  • Do you have career goals you’d like to attain? 

Each of you should also ask yourselves about relational and tangible goals for you as a couple:

  • Would you like to have regularly scheduled time together?
  • Do you want nightly technology-free time, and focus on each other or on the children?
  • Would you like to grow your family?
  • Do you want more intimacy or displays of affection?
  • Do you want to improve your communications?
  • How can you foster more teamwork around household chores or childcare? 

Remember that this time together is not about rehashing problems. If you do have some issues, it might be good to leave the more contentious differences to later or work them out with a counselor. Just start with the goals that you can both agree on. As you strengthen your relationship by applying those shared goals, you can talk again about a few others. 

Usually, as couples develop their relational or shared goals, they begin to find shared meaning. That meaning could be found in a shared hobby or activity or in service to a family or important cause. Couples who find this shared meaning are happier together, have more personal satisfaction, and find it easier to communicate and compromise. 

Learning these skills and finding shared meaning takes time and can be challenging. For some people, couples therapy can be a great resource. I work with couples as a neutral party to help them develop the core skills of communication and compromise. I guide my clients in learning the art of the “soft startup,” gentle and respectful ways to begin difficult conversations. Furthermore, I help them align their goals in a shared vision that also allows each person to express his or her own individuality and pursue personal goals.

Reach out to a couples therapist near you to help strengthen and grow your bond of love and develop your shared meaning. If you’re in the NYC area, reach out to me to see how I can help you.

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Using Humor to Manage Your Stress and Anxiety

Posted on January 10, 2025 by Alisa Hafkin

While we should not “laugh off” serious issues, light-heartedness and laughter have proven physical and psychological benefits that improve our physical and emotional health. In the midst of anxiety, stress, depression, or illness, it can be difficult to maintain a positive attitude. As a psychotherapist in New York City, I have helped many people develop this skill, which has led to an improvement in their mood and overall perspective.

Light-heartedness in difficult times

Many people are surprised to discover that humor has been researched and found to be a useful method of therapy and healing. A 2021 study found that those who showed both humor and optimism during the pandemic experienced better well-being. A 2017 study found that laughter therapy reduced symptoms of depression in long-term care patients and helped them sleep better. Another 2020 study showed that older adults living in a nursing home who regularly told jokes and engaged in fun competitions with each other had reduced depressive symptoms.

How do laughter and humor help and heal? Various other studies have found benefits to be both physiological and social.

  • Humor and laughter reduce the stress hormone cortisol while increasing endorphins, the hormones that make you feel good
  • Laughter and positivity may strengthen the immune system by decreasing stress and increasing the release of natural killer cells that fight infection
  • Humor has been found to improve student performance and short-term memory
  • Humor increases pain tolerance by inducing the body to create more natural painkillers
  • Some research suggests that humor may help protect the heart
  • Humor stimulates our natural reward system (when something makes you feel good, you do it more)
  • The very process of laughing stimulates the organs and increases the intake of oxygen-rich air
  • Laughter can increase one’s own personal satisfaction and improve personal relationships, strengthening bonds with others

Introducing more humor

Of course, one should never laugh at the expense of others. This is a form of bullying, which in the long run, hurts the bully as much as the victim. But there are so many wholesome ways of adding humor to your life. Here are just a few ways that I suggest to my clients:

  • Watch a few favorite comedic movies, podcasters, or YouTubers on a regular basis. Give yourself a daily dose, and rotate to keep them fresh and funny. Comedycures.org is a website devoted to offering something to tickle your funnybone, 24/7, whenever you need it.
  • Visit a bookstore and look through the joke books. Find a few that appeal to your humor. Read a joke or two daily that gives you a really good laugh.
  • Share funny stories or jokes with co-workers or family, and laugh together! This helps both of you in all the ways listed above, strengthens your relationship, and creates a positive atmosphere at work or home.
  • Post funny comic strips or quotes around your house or your desk at work.
  • When all else fails, sit back and just force a good laugh. Your brain may know it’s not sincere, but your body will still benefit from the laughter. And this can actually cause the happy hormones to kick in, improving your mood even though your laughter was initially “fake.”
  • If you find yourself frowning, raise your eyebrows and smile. This can also stimulate a positive physiological response and improve your mood. 

Some people can find it very difficult to get started on a path of positive thinking and lighthearted humor in the face of challenges. Therapy can help you identify and overcome barriers to joy. Look for a therapist near you who, where appropriate, incorporates the use of humor in his or her therapy, or if you are in the NYC area, reach out to me to see how I can help you.

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Managing Childhood Trauma

Posted on December 18, 2024 by Alisa Hafkin

We are all products of our experiences, both positive and negative. We can all look back on our childhood and recall sad or painful memories, but for most of us, those experiences were not traumatic enough to cause long-term problems into adulthood. But for some people, adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) can continue to impact them for years, sometimes without the person realizing the connection. 

Sadly, childhood trauma is all too common in our nation. Many children witness or are themselves victims of physical or sexual abuse. They may live in a community plagued by violence. Many children experience emotional or physical neglect. A child may also be traumatized by natural disasters, the death of a loved one, bullying, or living in financial instability. Being passed around between family members or in the foster care system, even if they are loving caregivers, can impact a child negatively and become a part of subconscious thought.

How an ACE affects a child varies significantly, depending on the child’s personality and other life experiences. Not everyone who witnesses a deadly car accident or is abused as a child will develop serious issues in adulthood, but few people go unscathed. In my experience, I have found that the determining factor is whether the adult can recognize the effect the trauma has had on his or her life and can integrate it into his or her life story in a healthy manner. Few people can do this without the help of a very experienced therapist.

Healing childhood trauma’s long-term effects

As a psychotherapist in New York City, I have worked with many adults dealing with the consequences of childhood trauma. ACEs or childhood trauma can lead to emotional problems such as depression and anxiety; destructive behaviors such as substance abuse or eating disorders; difficulty in developing healthy relationships; poor self-image or self-hatred; and even health problems.

Two of the most powerful methods of addressing and overcoming the effects of childhood trauma are psychodynamic therapy and cognitive behavioral therapy. After getting to know a new client, I discuss the options with the client and recommend the best route.

Psychodynamic therapy: Psychodynamic therapy is a deep and sensitive exploration of problems and issues affecting your life in order to understand your unique history of thoughts, relationships, and behavior patterns. Uncovering the origins of behaviors and emotions leads to the potential to resolve them in a safe environment and an ability to make more conscious rather than reactive choices.

Cognitive behavioral therapy: This form of therapy is a concrete approach to uncovering automatic thoughts that lead to specific behaviors. By becoming aware of your thoughts, insight is gained as to how and why choices are made in life. Some techniques include relaxation exercises, mindfulness homework, positive thinking, self-talk practices, and journaling, all of which help you positively retrain automatic reactions and thoughts.

The effects of childhood trauma take time to heal, and you need to be patient and gentle with yourself as you go through the process. I encourage clients to have a strong support system of friends and family or a support group of others who understand what you have experienced. If you are in the NYC area, I am here to help you navigate the healing process. I have seen many clients overcome the effects of their childhood trauma and be able to develop healthy, lasting relationships and live happy, healthy lives. It may take time, but healing is possible.

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When Your Partner Is Depressed

Posted on December 18, 2024 by Alisa Hafkin

When your spouse or life partner is struggling with depression, your relationship will be affected, and you may have to take some proactive steps to secure your relationship as well as protect your own mental health during this time. 

Signs that your partner is experiencing depression include changes in behavior, such as increased irritability or weepiness; withdrawal from you or from activities he or she used to enjoy; sleepiness, lethargy, insomnia; low motivation; substance abuse; and expressing feelings of worthlessness or failure. Sometimes a depressed person may make rash life decisions in order to escape from those feelings, such as quitting a job or having an affair. 

People with depression often don’t notice right away that their feelings or behaviors are the result of depression. Loved ones such as a spouse are often the first to notice and suggest that is the underlying issue. But this must be done cautiously and sensitively. Unfortunately, a depressed person’s behavior can hurt his or her partner deeply before the partner begins to suspect depression.

How to help your depressed partner

If you have been hurt by your partner’s behavior but you’re now thinking it is caused by depression, take a step back. Try to reframe all those hurtful behaviors as caused by a mental health condition. This could help you switch emotionally from a place of hurt to a place of compassion. Depression is rarely the result of a person’s choices. It is usually bio-chemical or caused by deep-seated life experiences that started long before you and your partner met. Your partner’s depression is not your fault, and you should not allow yourself to blame yourself in any way.

Sometimes, the best thing to do for starters is to just listen. Let your partner cry or rant about what is bothering him or her. Suggest talking while walking outside in the fresh air. Exercise has been proven to be as effective as medication for mild to moderate depression. If that’s not possible, go to a gym together or use exercise machines in your home. By exercising while talking, your partner may actually find those feelings dissipate, even in the midst of expressing them.

If your spouse is being unfair or unkind to you, try not to respond with anger or resentment, but firmly tell them that you do not appreciate the treatment. If this is happening, I encourage you to reach out to a counselor or therapist experienced in dealing with both depression and couples counseling. Encouraging your partner to seek counseling would be ideal. Your partner may be more willing to attend couples counseling than therapy for depression, but in the process of couples counseling, your partner may begin to recognize this underlying cause. Couples counseling is a gentle way to help yourself, your relationship, and your partner, all at the same time. 

Try to continue to do the things that you used to enjoy together. Although it will be difficult to get past the lethargy and lack of motivation, your partner will probably enjoy it once you’re doing it and will probably thank you afterward. Having many enjoyable moments in the day or week can help push out those negative feelings and replace them with positive ones.

Self-care is critical

When your partner is depressed, you may feel yourself becoming depressed, too. While it may not be true clinical depression, it is certainly difficult to watch the one you love suffer, especially if that suffering affects your relationship. Make it a priority to protect your own mental health. 

As previously stated, do not blame yourself in any way or allow anyone else to blame you. And just as your spouse needs many positive, happy experiences, so do you. Do things that you enjoy, whether engaging in a hobby, pampering yourself, or hanging out with friends. Keep eating a healthy diet, exercising, and getting plenty of quality sleep. Put your mental and physical health first so that you will be strong enough to help your partner.

Getting help

Most people do need some help from a counselor or therapist to break out of the grip of depression. Find a mental health professional in your area experienced in both depression and couples therapy. If you’re in the New York City area, reach out to me to see how I can help.

If you’re having trouble knowing how to talk to your partner or how to maintain your own equilibrium in the midst of your partner’s depression, you might want to come in and learn how to manage your experience while talking honestly to your partner. Don’t try to go it alone. Even just a few sessions can make a world of difference for both of you.

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Individual Therapy or Couples Counseling?

Posted on December 18, 2024 by Alisa Hafkin

Long-term marriage takes work. Life is in constant flux, and various influences can impact the condition of your marriage. Ongoing efforts must be made to keep a marriage or any long-term relationship healthy. If your marriage has begun to show signs of wear and tear, or if either of you has personal issues that are affecting the marriage, don’t wait to get professional help. As a New York City psychotherapist and couples counselor, I know that couples therapy, sometimes combined with individual therapy, can and often does save marriages and long-term relationships.

Whether you need couples or individual counseling depends on the types of issues you need to resolve. However, if you are in a relationship, I usually recommend that you come in as a couple first. This way we can assess the situation and get a big-picture view of what may be affecting the marriage/partnership.

Individual therapy as a primary strategy

Individual therapy is usually recommended for people who are dealing with specific personal issues, such as depression, anxiety, work stress, or traumatic past experiences that have left wounds. But all of these problems will certainly impact your relationship. Furthermore, there may be interpersonal dynamics that may worsen your symptoms.

When I meet a couple for the first time, I ask many questions designed to root out sources of conflict in the marriage or struggles in the individual. In some cases, I have found that individual counseling is the primary strategy. However, I often also recommend occasional couples sessions. There are several reasons. 

First, if you are working through personal issues and are learning strategies in therapy, you will want your partner to know about them and understand how to interact with you, support you, and respond appropriately. We will discuss this during a combined session. In essence, you’re “keeping your partner in the loop” and showing him or her how to be your cheerleader and support. 

Second, if you only attend individual therapy, you may start to believe that “you are the problem” in the relationship, which is not healthy. Conversely, you may decide that your spouse is the real problem because of your one-sided introspection without involving your spouse.

Third, I have found in my experience that individual issues are often exacerbated by a spouse, intentionally or unintentionally. While you may make progress in a session, things fall apart at home when certain triggers set you off.

Couples therapy as a primary strategy

This leads us to the value of couples therapy. In my experience, relationship problems usually go both ways. In my practice, I don’t look for “who’s to blame.” The blame game is a losing strategy in marriage. Sometimes one partner seems to be causing more of the turmoil. However, the other partner usually plays a part in the ongoing marital problems. For this reason, I have found that for most partners, couples therapy is usually the primary strategy, with possibly an occasional individual session – not the other way around.

In couples therapy, we will identify triggers as to why each of you responds the way you do to certain things. Most of the time, these triggers are grounded in painful past experiences. Together, we will work to identify those experiences, which helps build empathy and understanding in the other spouse and engenders a desire to avoid causing hurt by pushing those buttons. We don’t leave it there, though. I help each of you work to diffuse the power those past experiences have over your emotions, helping to eliminate the triggers. 

We also go over communication styles, which is one of the most important aspects of a healthy relationship. In couples therapy, I help partners understand each other’s communication needs. We develop effective strategies to improve communication and eliminate hurt feelings and misunderstandings. 

Another benefit of couples therapy is helping each spouse recognize the uniqueness of the other and value that difference. Some of those differences may be the cause of disagreements. Couples therapy can, therefore, help develop strategies of acceptance or cooperation.

In a simple example, if one partner is a night person and the other is a morning person, you may find that you are simply not spending enough time together and are drifting apart. We can examine and resolve any strife it may be causing (making noise while the other one is sleeping, for instance) and develop a daily/weekly/monthly plan for you to put other things aside and spend time together doing something you both love – while you’re both awake and alert.

Some problems run deeper than this. However, the number that can be easily resolved with a neutral third-party counselor to help you recognize and identify issues and develop solutions will surprise you. You will find that couples therapy will enhance your relationship, leading to deeper understanding and a stronger partnership. If you’re in the NYC area, reach out to see how I can help you.

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Navigating Holiday Stress as a Couple

Posted on December 18, 2024 by Alisa Hafkin

As much as the winter holidays are supposed to be a time of festivities and family fun, they are also a source of stress for many people. Plan now to work together as a couple to diffuse that stress and make this year’s holiday season truly special.

The winter holiday season is the busiest time of the year and can cause strain on time, financial resources, and emotions. During a short period of just a few weeks, most of us find ourselves pouring time and effort into:

  • Gift purchasing, wrapping, and giving
  • Traveling to various events
  • Attending multiple parties given by family, friends, and work colleagues
  • Hosting our own holiday events
  • Remembering loved ones who may have died
  • Dealing with family with whom there may be tense relations 

Each of these has its own strain on time, budget, and emotions. Planning ahead together is the best strategy to ensure all things go as smoothly as possible. Sit down together well in advance to discuss holiday issues. 

Parties and events: Who is likely to have a party? How many events can we reasonably attend? Will we entertain in our own home, and if so, whom should we invite? Whose family will we spend the holidays with? Are we willing to travel, and how far?

Finances: What will be our budget for various items, such as gifts, travel, food, and entertainment?

Household responsibilities: If one spouse usually does the cooking or cleaning or running the kids around, can you decide on a teamwork arrangement during the holidays so that one spouse isn’t overwhelmed?

Interpersonal relations: Are there any people who cause friction or stress for you, your spouse, or your children? What boundaries can you decide on now and what strategies can you develop to avoid conflicts when you’re together? Should that strategy be simply to avoid that person? How might that affect others?

Self-care: How can you support each other emotionally and physically during the busy time so neither feels overwhelmed or gets sick from strain or overwork? What me-time, couple’s-time, and family-time should you plan so that your own relationship and your relationship with your children are prioritized?

Remember to approach the holiday season as a team, supporting each other and backing each other up when decisions may not be popular with other family members. For instance, if you decide it’s just too much of a strain to try to get to one family event, make sure you present a message of unity: “We have decided as a family that it will be too difficult to make it to X event this year. We hope to see everyone soon at Y event next month.” If there’s pushback from disappointed people, maintain that unity and support each other in the decision.

If you have difficulty coming up with a good plan or just the right words to say to that tough family member, reach out to an experienced family or couples counselor for some guidance. It may only take a couple of sessions to help you develop your holiday plan and stress-busting strategies. You’ll be glad you got the help! If you’re in the NYC area, reach out to me. I’d love to assist you in making your holiday extra special this year. 

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Criticized in the Workplace

Posted on October 9, 2024 by Alisa Hafkin

There can be many reasons and causes for receiving criticism in your workplace. Let’s make a distinction here between criticism that comes from a bully or a toxic work environment and work-related criticism from a boss or co-worker who perceives a problem. It may not be possible right away to know the difference, and the criticism may be causing you anxiety, depression, or a decrease in your work quality. 

It’s so important to address these feelings and the criticism that is causing them. However, it’s often helpful to talk it out with someone before taking steps that you might regret. Whether you have a strong support system who can help you make good decisions or you choose to talk to a professional, there are some steps you should take.

I’ve talked about toxic bosses and general meanness in other articles. Signs of toxic or mean behavior include personal attacks, over-the-top negativity, yelling, criticism in front of others, criticism for things out of your control, and gaslighting. These issues are quite serious and may require getting management or HR involved in the resolution. 

In this article, however, I’d like to focus on general criticism and what steps you can take to manage it effectively. 

Types of criticism

In any work situation, you will experience correction or criticism from bosses or co-workers. It may be meant to help you improve your quality of work or your interaction with the team. It may be presented well or it may be presented poorly. Either way, you need to develop a successful response plan in order to deflect negativity and internalize the helpful message that may be intended. 

Many bosses and teammates have not been trained on the ways to offer criticism in a constructive manner – or if they have been trained, they have not yet mastered it! So, some valid criticism may be expressed very poorly. It’s up to you to react properly.

Handling criticism in the workplace

Here are a few DOs and DON’Ts when you receive negative feedback, regardless of how well or how poorly it is presented.

  • DON’T become immediately defensive. DO listen.
  • DON’T react in anger. DO assume good intentions.
  • DON’T make excuses. DO ask questions to clarify.
  • DON’T take it personally. DO thank the person, if there is any foundation in the feedback.
  • DON’T blame yourself. DO treat yourself kindly, recognizing mistakes are a part of learning.
  • DON’T act arrogantly. DO show some humility.

These suggestions can be especially difficult for people who have experienced a lot of criticism in their lives or have low self-esteem. People who have had painful relationships in the past and have developed self-defense mechanisms may find those mechanisms showing up in the office when they’re criticized. 

We also have to realize that the shoe could be on the other foot. The person criticizing you may have some self-esteem issues and is acting out his or her own self-defense mechanisms. Realizing that we are all coming from a different place and others may be acting out of their own wounds can often help us be more understanding and compassionate, even to those who have a hard time offering constructive criticism in a way that is not hurtful. 

When the criticism is unfair

You may find sometimes that the criticism, whether it was well-meaning or not, is not warranted. When this happens, continue to follow the principles above, but gather evidence to demonstrate the truth. This could include logs of communication or documents showing your work. Document all conversations. Collect witnesses, if necessary.

Start with the least offensive steps, such as discussing it directly with the person in private and showing your evidence. If that isn’t sufficient, depending on the structure of your company you may go to your boss or HR department. You can also try again in the presence of a witness who can vouch for your position. Always remain professional and as positive as possible, since you will probably continue to work with this person.

Again, this can be difficult. You may need help developing a constructive plan to address workplace criticism. Or you may struggle with low self-esteem, anxiety, or depression that is complicating the situation. Working with a counselor could help you define the sources of these feelings and develop helpful techniques and patterns of thinking to overcome them. Healthy self-esteem makes it much easier to handle all negative events in life. 

If you need help with workplace criticism and you live in the New York City area, reach out to me to see how I can help.

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What Happens in Your First Therapy Session and How to Prepare

Posted on October 9, 2024 by Alisa Hafkin

It is perfectly natural to be nervous for your first therapy session. First, know that I applaud your effort in making the appointment. That is a great first step!  

Scheduling that first therapy session can be difficult, even frightening. But you’ve done it, and you can congratulate yourself for taking that courageous step towards a healthier life. Still, you may have some concerns and fears. Allow me to allay those fears and prepare you for this first, important meeting with your therapist. 

As a psychotherapist in New York City with an orientation in psychodynamic and cognitive behavioral therapy, I help many individuals and couples overcome a variety of challenges, from depression, anxiety, and marriage and infertility counseling. I have found that when my clients know what to expect and have taken the time to prepare themselves for a successful session, we are able to accomplish so much more in subsequent meetings, leading to positive outcomes.

Let me share what you can expect from me in our first meeting. I will also let you know what you can do to prepare. Most therapists will likely follow a similar procedure. 

What to expect

When you arrive, you may have paperwork to complete; if so, I will let you know ahead of time. We may have already discussed your insurance coverage and any documents that you should bring to the first appointment, if any. 

I will begin with simple questions to make you feel comfortable. Then I will guide you through a series of questions to help me understand some background about you, your needs, and your goals. Questions I might ask:

  • What brought you in today?
  • What are your goals for therapy?
  • What symptoms are you experiencing? (anxiety, depression, problems with your spouse or at work)
  • How do these symptoms present themselves? (anxiety accompanied by panic attacks; marital problems resulting in explosive fights, etc.)
  • Have you had any therapy previously? What worked and what didn’t?
  • Is there any family history of these problems?
  • What helps now, if anything?
  • Do you have a support system, friends or family who are trying to help?
  • Are there any other important concerns or important factors in your life that I should know about?

These are the types of questions I usually begin with, although each individual is different and I may need to expand in different directions, depending on your specific need. As we proceed I’ll share with you what I have heard to confirm that I understand. Then I’ll offer my preliminary thoughts on what steps would be best to take in future sessions. We can discuss in a broad sense the types of strategies, patterns of thought, and a “toolbox” of tactics that will help.

How you can prepare

Now that you know what you can expect, you can prepare for a successful first meeting. Here are some strategies:

  • Knowing the questions I’ll ask, take time before the session to ask them of yourself and prepare honest answers.
  • Sometimes in our first session, you may have to delve into uncomfortable or painful memories that you might be hesitant to address. Going into those places more deeply will probably be necessary in future sessions in order for you to find the healing that you seek. But in this first session, before you know me well, you may be hesitant to share. Please be assured that I will keep all that you share in strict confidence; it is not only the law, it is the ethical and compassionate thing to do.
  • Recognize that we will collaborate to figure out the answers to your questions. It is my job to help you address the root causes of your situation and guide you as you make the discoveries and the interior changes necessary to be healed and whole again.
  • Prepare any questions you have for me.
  • Reserve some “me-time” before and after the session. Give yourself a little pampering ahead of time so that you are relaxed. After the session you may be a bit emotional, so you’ll need to wind down with something that you find peaceful. Make plans and clear your schedule to allow for this extra personal time.
  • During and after the session, ask yourself, “Are we a good fit? Do I feel comfortable sharing with this person? Do I feel like she understands my situation and has the experience to help me?” Not everyone clicks with a particular therapist. Personalities and styles need to mesh. But if you’re not sure the first time, give it a couple of sessions before looking elsewhere. You’ve taken a big first step; give it some time before starting over with another therapist.

These are just a few ways you can prepare for your first therapy session, no matter who your therapist may be or what your concerns and needs are. I sincerely hope you find the help that you need, whether it’s a matter of feeling stuck and needing guidance to find a new direction in life or a matter of deep trauma that requires more intense therapy. Find the help you need from a licensed, experienced therapist in your area who specializes in your issues. If you are in the NYC area, reach out to see how I can help you.

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Boundaries Around Election Discussions in NYC

Posted on September 26, 2024 by Alisa Hafkin

Politics can be an emotionally charged subject for many people, and election season can be especially stressful. If you find that the people around you talk about politics in a manner that makes you uncomfortable, you have every right to take action to protect your own mental health and communicate boundaries around discussions.

As a psychotherapist in New York City, I have helped many clients develop boundary strategies. Such strategies have helped alleviate a lot of stress and anxiety. The strategies around political boundaries are very similar to boundaries around any other subject that may cause you discomfort. You may be open to some discussion, but certain behaviors or manners of discussion may make you uncomfortable or trigger you. Start by communicating your feelings to your co-workers, friends, and family. 

The closer you are to a person, the more their comments can upset you, because it is easier to take things personally. But since family and friends know you better and care about you, you can be more honest and express why you have to set these boundaries. 

To co-workers, simply request that they leave you out of their political discussions. Ask them not to discuss politics near your work area. Or, you can ask that the conversation remain neutral, without inflammatory rhetoric, only facts. These are certainly reasonable requests. If the conversation goes in a more volatile direction, simply excuse yourself. You do not owe them any explanation. 

The strategy can be similar with your friends and loved ones. However, you can be more personal with them because they certainly care about your emotional well-being. You should also consider allowing them to share in the building of boundaries. 

For instance, while it might be unreasonable to ask your family not to discuss politics during a family get-together, especially when there are upcoming elections, you can ask that people not discuss politics at the dinner table.  

As with your co-workers, you can ask your family to save inflammatory rhetoric for when everyone present feels the same way with the same degree of passion. If your family has a hard time with that (and certainly, some people are very emotional while still remaining very good people) you can simply let them know that you will excuse yourself when they get started. Clarify that it’s nothing personal, you’re just not comfortable with the conversation. They can have their discussion happily without you.

The important thing with boundaries, whatever the subject matter, is for you to develop the skills to say “I’m not comfortable talking about this subject right now” and stick to it. Change the subject, or politely excuse yourself. You have a responsibility to protect your mental health. 

In the process, try to remember that the people who are discussing things that upset you are not bad or rude – they’re just different from you. They’re ok with it, you’re not, and you should both respect each other’s comfort levels.

Sometimes people who feel passionately about something forget to be courteous toward others who either feel differently or who feel uncomfortable with strongly expressed opinions, even if they may agree with them. Try to protect your mental health without thinking ill of other people. They probably don’t mean it. Maintaining kind thoughts toward others (or at least neutral thoughts) will help you maintain a positive attitude, which is critical for mental health.

If you are in the NYC area and you need help creating boundaries, or if you feel you would benefit from talking to an expert to develop healthy strategies to combat anxiety, depression, or any other emotional issue, please contact me. I am here to help.

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Election Anxiety in NYC

Posted on September 26, 2024 by Alisa Hafkin

Every election season is fraught with a degree of tension and stress, but recent and upcoming elections have become increasingly more emotionally charged on both sides of the aisle. No matter where you sit on the issues, you probably feel the heat. It’s important to know how to turn down your anxiety levels in order to get through this season – and beyond – with a degree of peace, no matter who wins. However, as a psychotherapist in New York City, I have found that different techniques work for different people. Let me suggest a few strategies that could help you. If you need more help, don’t hesitate to reach out for some professional guidance. 

Good strategies for everyone

Certain techniques help with stress and anxiety, regardless of their source. You may have heard of “mindfulness.” This is a broad term for a wide variety of techniques to help you pay attention to the present moment and interrupt racing thoughts or reflexive fight-flight-or-freeze reactions that may take over when anxiety hits. These come in various forms of relaxation and meditation, such as simply stopping and taking some deep breaths while listening to the sounds around you; focusing on what each of your five senses is experiencing at that moment; or meditating while lying down, sitting, walking, or stretching.

These techniques can help when anxiety looms, but they are only part of the process of overcoming anxiety. I help people examine their thoughts and retrain their thinking away from negative, fearful, or painful thoughts to positive and helpful thoughts. Mark Twain, known for his often humorous but truthful statements, once said, “I’m an old man now. I’ve lived a long and difficult life filled with so many misfortunes, most of which never happened.” When we rehearse in our minds negative things that might happen, we create the anxiety we would experience if it ever did happen. Thus we suffer from the event, even if it never occurs. 

None of us really consciously intends to do this, but our minds can start racing before we know it. I help people learn to recognize these thoughts. I teach them how to redirect their thoughts so they can take the exit ramp off that mental highway into more pleasant terrain.

Get involved…

Some people feel their anxiety lessens when they get involved. By getting involved, you may feel that you are able to take some control of the situation. Consider volunteering for a politician you support, donating to a cause you believe in, or contributing in some other way that feels safe but meaningful to you.

Two warnings, however: If you get involved with other politically-charged individuals who are discussing the issues in a very emotional manner, your anxiety might actually increase; and if your chosen candidate loses the election, you may experience some anxiety or depression.

Before taking this route, ask yourself if feeling like you tried to make a difference will give you sufficient comfort to avoid future anxiety, even if your candidate loses.

…or turn it off

If you feel that such an environment would not work for you and might make you feel worse, you are not alone. For most people, the best way to decrease anxiety is to significantly decrease their exposure to news and drama.

I am not suggesting that you ignore the whole election process. It is very important for all citizens of the United States to be aware of the issues, do a reasonable amount of research from both perspectives, and plan to vote. However, many people overdo it and find themselves ramping up their anxiety.

Take authority over your exposure, and that includes controlling the conversations that you participate in. People who are particularly passionate about an issue or candidate may make you uncomfortable. Share your concerns and insist – politely – that political conversations remain calm (or not take place when you are around, whichever you need to do).

If you need help developing strategies to keep anxiety at bay, contact an experienced therapist or counselor near you. If you’re in the NYC area, reach out to me to see how I can help.

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