Dealing with Adult ADHD

Posted on August 22, 2024 by Alisa Hafkin

Adult ADHD or ADD can be difficult to deal with. Modern life, especially here in New York City, can be highly stimulating, creating stress, distraction, anxiety, and disorganization in some people. But is it actually ADHD? And if so, what type? What category do your symptoms fall into? Getting an accurate diagnosis can be challenging. 

While you may be struggling with symptoms of ADHD, you may have self-diagnosed (or diagnosed your spouse) based on what you have read or what someone who has ADHD has shared with you. Getting an accurate diagnosis is critical to help you develop the right plan of action to address your particular needs. 

Some people try to cope on their own, but because of the nature of the symptoms, it can be very difficult, like trying to pull oneself up by one’s own bootstraps. If you feel unmotivated, how do you motivate yourself to become motivated? If you are always exhausted, how do you will yourself to exercise? If you’re distracted and disorganized, how do you keep focused enough to organize clutter and develop attentiveness? If you’re anxious, how do you tell yourself not to be anxious?

Overcoming these issues is possible, and the right therapist, counselor, or psychologist can help. It is critical to start working with a therapist you trust who has in-depth knowledge of these conditions and can walk you down a treatment path to find balance in life. 

As a psychotherapist oriented towards psychodynamic and cognitive behavioral therapy, I work with clients to find underlying causes of the issues that have brought them to my office. The problems you are dealing with may be rooted in a medical condition, which may find some alleviation through medication, but there may be other causes that we can work together to discover, to either free you from your symptoms or reduce them to a manageable level.

Once we look into possible causes or triggers, we will be able to chart a course of action. Some strategies, depending on your symptoms and your personal situation, include:

  • Making changes to your work or home environment that will make it easier to maintain an orderly environment
  • Using technology, such as apps, to help you maintain an accurate schedule, provide reminders, and help you track things like budgeting, exercise, and healthy food consumption
  • Developing relaxation techniques to improve sleep
  • Examining root causes of anxiety or negative inner voices and re-learning how to think about yourself and events in your life

The most important thing is to come in and talk about the issues you are experiencing. You may just need a little help getting some structure put into place in your life, or you may need to heal old wounds that have set up negative patterns of thought and behavior that have caused your symptoms. You may have ADHD, or some life experiences to work through, or both. We won’t know until we talk. If you are in the NYC area, give me a call to see how I can help you.

Posted in General Self Help | Tagged , , , , | Comments Off on  Dealing with Adult ADHD

Mean-Spirited Co-Workers? Here is What to Do

Posted on August 22, 2024 by Alisa Hafkin

When you find yourself on the defensive at work because of the behavior of a co-worker, try not to respond in kind or make major decisions in the moment. Take some time to evaluate before deciding your strategy for dealing with the situation. Depending on what’s going on, it might be helpful to go over everything with a trained counselor to help you assess its real source so that you can react accordingly. 

Why are people mean?

It’s important to distinguish between unintentional and intentional meanness because they are handled very differently. Just as every person is different, so are their causes and motivations, but it is often possible to make some broad assessments in order to create a plan for neutralizing the behavior’s effect on you.

Let’s first clarify what we’re NOT talking about; we’re not referring to any physical meanness that involves your body or your personal space. No one should ever touch you without your consent, and that behavior should be reported immediately. If you see someone taking your things or damaging your property, that must also be reported.

By “meanness” or “being mean” we mean verbal unkindness in many forms. I’m sure you remember as a child complaining to your parents or teacher that “so-n-so is being soooo mean!” I remember it! Meanness is childish behavior that occurs when someone doesn’t get his or her way or doesn’t know how to cope with the events in his or her life. This can lead to both unintentional and intentional meanness. 

Unintentional meanness

When you perceive someone has been mean to you, in some cases, it may be an innocent misunderstanding. Someone may not have adequate training or awareness of office procedures or office culture and may do something that seems like meanness but is actually just ignorance. 

Others may come off as mean because of things happening in their own lives. A person with a terrible headache may be frowning and snapping out of pain. The person may also have personal problems of which you are unaware – a sick child or parent, marital strain, unstable housing – which could be causing the negative behavior. 

People under this kind of pressure may not notice that they’re coming off mean; then again, they may. Such behavior could be a way of pushing others away while they are in emotional pain. Lashing out at others may also release some anger or pain they are feeling as they unburden themselves upon someone else.

This behavior is certainly not acceptable, but it should engender in us some compassion. Assuming that the person’s behavior is not about you but is caused by their own personal problems can help prevent you from personalizing or internalizing the bad behavior as a statement about your value and worth as a human being or as an employee. 

Intentional meanness

Intentional meanness may also come from a place of pain on the part of the mean person; actually, mean people are always in pain in some way, though they may not realize it. 

Some people are mean because they feel threatened by you. If you are better at your job, more attractive, more popular, or have a better family life – whatever the mean person perceives as better – you could become an object of attack. These people have low self-esteem or unhappy lives and can become jealous of others whom they perceive as better off. You won’t always realize this right away, but after a while, you may pick up clues that will help you realize that the person’s behavior is a reflection on her, and not on you.

Others may lash out when things go poorly on a project at work, trying to find a scapegoat to blame. If you are caught in the crosshairs of someone’s attack, your quality of work and your professionalism will be criticized. This can cause tremendous strain and require you to defend yourself with ample evidence of your quality of work or your qualifications. If, however, that person is not in a position of authority and most people do not believe the person’s words, you could just ignore the person’s behavior or quietly mention it to a supervisor. 

The most significant meanness is rooted in maliciousness, mental illness, or psychopathy. This behavior can often be subtle, especially with psychopaths and narcissists, who know how to manipulate people and create a group of supporters to stand with them against the victim. Whispering, gossiping, gaslighting, using racial slurs, controlling, and manipulating – these behaviors go beyond petty meanness and rise to the level of workplace harassment, bullying, and abuse. Do not allow this behavior to continue without reporting it to authorities within your workplace. 

Why we react the way we do to meanness

Negativity tends to generate attention. This is a survival mechanism. We are less likely to make a mental note of the basic human decency all around us because we expect people to behave that way. But when someone treats us poorly, we notice. This is because bad behavior is potentially dangerous. We should notice it. But one of the best ways to lessen its impact on our emotions is to begin to notice all the kindness around us, too. 

If you need help evaluating the type of office meanness you may be dealing with and developing a strategy to neutralize its effect on you, contact an experienced counselor near you. If you are in the New York City area, reach out to me to see how I can help you.

Posted in General Self Help | Tagged , , , | Comments Off on Mean-Spirited Co-Workers? Here is What to Do

Your Mental Health Is Critical

Posted on August 22, 2024 by Alisa Hafkin

In our modern world, mental health seems to be on the decline–partly due to our fast-paced lifestyle, partly to the intrusion of technology in our lives, and perhaps partly due to the food we eat and the pollutants in our environment. 

Whatever the causes, if you’re experiencing mental health issues, such as anxiety, stress, depression, extreme mood swings, or any other problems, do not ignore these symptoms. Start making some changes to improve your mental well-being and reach out for help from a professional, if needed.

Lifestyle causes

Most of us find our days flying by without being able to take the proverbial breath. Work consumes most of our days and we allow few opportunities for recreation or healthy interactions outside of work. If we have families, we may be touchy and stressed when we get home, causing a negative atmosphere in the one place where we should be able to relax and unwind with those we love.

The constant fast pace can make it very difficult to relax enough to sleep well. On top of that, most of us sit for the majority of our days and grab quick meals of questionable dietary value, filling ourselves with coffee or some other stimulant to keep us going when our bodies are trying to tell us to stop.

Technology causes

There’s no doubt that the internet and more specifically the smartphone and social media have had a very negative impact on mental health, especially the mental health of young people. While social media was initially intended to bring people together, it seems to have had the opposite effect. While it’s great to be able to keep in touch with loved ones living on a different coast, in some cases, social media has become a replacement for meaningful, face-to-face relationships, creating a feeling of isolation and loneliness for many people.

Since people tend to post the best versions of themselves online, social media users may begin to compare their own lives to the idyllic versions of someone else’s life, leading to lower self-esteem and greater dissatisfaction with oneself and one’s own life. The posting of ideal bodies, often adjusted by filters, causes body-image issues, especially in young women. Online bullying has become a serious problem as well, as bullies have such a wider audience and a single incident can humiliate a person in front of thousands and potentially millions of people.

The technology itself may also cause mental and physical harm. Some people are adversely affected by the electromagnetic waves produced by cell phones that are held against the ear for hours. The blue light emitted from computer screens throws off our circadian rhythms and damages our sleep cycles. 

Environmental causes

While there is some disagreement regarding what constitutes an environmental hazard and what may be affecting human health, both physical and mental, there is no doubt that our soil, water supply, and even our food contain a variety of chemicals, microplastics, and very low-level toxins. What is considered a “safe” dose of pesticide?

What you can do

Your body is a holistic system and your mental, emotional, intellectual, and physical health are interconnected. Making some lifestyle changes and adjusting your inward dialog will improve your overall health.

Start by considering what factors may be causing you to feel imbalanced, unwell, or mentally off. As a psychotherapist in the New York City area, I have helped many clients examine their lifestyles and their environments to determine what may be causing their mental or emotional health concerns. Together we create a plan to address these factors and create an atmosphere of positive energy. 

Consider taking these steps before reaching out to a mental health professional. You may find that these are all you need in order to dramatically improve your emotional well-being.

  • Turn off technology. You may need your computer and cellphone for work or to keep in touch with your spouse or children when you’re not around, but pick a time every day that you turn off the technology. Whether it’s the constant distractions or the electromagnetic waves that are bothering you, separating yourself from technology for at least an hour every day and working up to longer periods will likely result in a calmer, more peaceful you.
  • Make it a point to have some recreation period every day that doesn’t include technology. That might be reading a book over a cup of tea to unwind at the end of the day, or it may include just walking the dog without listening to a podcast, perhaps taking time to appreciate nature or spend quality time with a loved one.
  • Exercise. Studies indicate that a daily brisk walk is as effective as medication for moderate depression due to the chemical changes that take place in the brain when we exercise. It is also extremely valuable for the body, getting the lymphatic system circulating, drawing fresh air into the lungs, and strengthening the muscles.
  • Get enough sleep. Turning off your technology early and keeping the phone on the other side of the room at night may help you get your healthy sleep cycle back. If necessary, develop relaxation techniques to do before bed.
  • Eat a healthy diet, avoiding processed foods and fast foods. Try whole, natural foods as much as possible and organic foods if you can get them. Replace sodas, which are full of sugar and additives, with clean spring water.
  • Develop positive thinking patterns and habits of thankfulness, mindfulness, and generosity to others. When you change your thinking you change your world. When you give to others, you forget your own problems, at least for a little while. 

If you find these steps too difficult to implement without help, reach out to a friend or loved one to make the changes with you. If you don’t have that option, or if that doesn’t work, reach out to a mental health professional. Many people are still embarrassed by the notion of talking to a counselor or therapist, but there is no shame in getting some assistance in talking through life. Of course, our work is ALL confidential. 

But whatever level of help you need, whether from a friend or a therapist, do reach out to someone to help you make these changes. You deserve to be happy and at peace in your heart and mind. If you’re in the NYC area, reach out to me to see how I can help you make a plan to get you to that state of peace.

Posted in General Self Help | Tagged , , , , | Comments Off on Your Mental Health Is Critical

Gaslighting at Work

Posted on August 22, 2024 by Alisa Hafkin

Do you feel that you are being manipulated or lied to at work by a colleague, subordinate, or supervisor? This person may be engaging in behavior known as gaslighting. The act of gaslighting another person is considered abusive behavior and is probably causing you an enormous amount of stress and anxiety. Before it reaches a point of causing harm to your career and personal life, let’s talk so we can put together a plan to ensure it does not impact you.  

The term “gaslighting” references a 1938 play called “Gaslight” in which the main character is being manipulated by her husband to think she’s crazy so that he can get her committed to a mental institution and continue his nefarious activities undeterred. The gaslight in the house dimmed every time he went into a supposedly inaccessible portion of the mansion. By convincing her that she was imagining it, hiding things from her and accusing her of misplacing or stealing them, denying events that took place, and other cruel lies, he almost succeeds, as she begins to act unstable. Fortunately, the play has a happy ending; the gaslighter is caught and his gaslighted wife is vindicated. The popular play was turned into a movie with Ingrid Bergman in 1944, becoming a part of American theater history, and giving us a term for this sort of manipulative emotional abuse. 

Gaslighting is more commonly seen in personal relationships, but it can happen in the workplace, as well. It is a form of workplace bullying, but it tends to be more subtle, thus making it difficult to detect early on. You may gradually find yourself feeling off-base, unsure, and under-confident, and you can’t quite put your finger on why. If you’re feeling this way, examine the behavior of your boss or co-workers to see if you’ve been gaslighted.

Gaslighting is a persistent behavior that causes you to question reality or your own sanity. This is distinct from bullying or harassment, although one could argue that it is a form of both. There is always some cross-over with abusive behavior, because the abusive personality may have a variety of expressions. But what sets gaslighting apart is its subtle manipulation to undermine your sanity.

Examples of gaslighting

Below are some examples. Remember, one unnerving event does not count as gaslighting, but if it happens multiple times, you may be a victim of this controlling behavior.

A gaslighter may deny that you turned in a report. You may remember clearly completing the report and putting it on his desk because you stayed late to complete it. But the gaslighter is adamant that he didn’t receive it, so you begin to think up scenarios in which you may both be right – did someone take it? Did it fall in the trash? Did you actually forget to put it on his desk after all? 

You may notice things disappearing from your desk (for instance, a stapler). You see one just like it on your coworker’s desk and you ask for it back, but he insists that it is his. You even see the same scrape on the stapler that you had on yours. He accuses you of lying and trying to take his stuff, making a scene. Now you may begin to second-guess yourself and wonder if you’re remembering correctly.

You begin to hear negative gossip about yourself. This may be a form of submarining, trying to make you look bad in front of coworkers. If someone tells you that a certain coworker is spreading rumors about you and he denies it vehemently and acts like his feelings are hurt that you would ever think something like that about him, you begin to doubt the friend who was trying to help you.

A coworker or boss says things that you consider unkind and you confront him. He then tells you you’re being too sensitive. You talk to him later and he entirely denies that he said such a thing.

Your boss does not tell you about an important meeting to attend, or she tells you it’s not important that you attend. Then when you don’t show up, she uses that as an opportunity to suggest at the meeting that you are a poor worker and blames you for not attending. She denies that she didn’t tell you about the meeting or that she told you not to attend.

A boss gives you constant negative feedback, tries to burst your bubble when you’re excited over a new project, and belittles work that you’re proud of. When he sees you are beginning to crack or he thinks you may be ready to quit, he gives you unexpected praise, even in front of others, to build you back up. Now you start to regret thinking ill of him, but you also wonder why he’s praising you for this small thing when he was tearing down all the great work you were doing before. Or was he? You start doubting your memories of his bad behavior, wondering if you really were oversensitive. You start to think that maybe he really is a great guy who appreciates your work. Maybe it really is all your fault, after all. 

This is where gaslighting leads you – to a state of self-mistrust, self-blame, anxiety, and instability. This emotional abuse can be truly devastating. Gaslighters need control of the people they gaslight. They don’t want you quitting and they don’t want you figuring them out. 

What do you do about gaslighting?

If you’ve finally started to see through the gaslighter, don’t try to confront him alone and without hard evidence. Start keeping a journal and documenting everything. Don’t give things to him by hand or tell him things verbally; send emails and texts so you have a paper trail. Record meetings. In some states, all parties involved have to agree to a recording, but New York State, where I am located, is a one-party consent state. Hitting the record button as you enter into a meeting with your boss or coworker is a legal activity. Out of courtesy, you may inform those present that you are recording, but if the gaslighter refuses to be recorded you can refer them to New York Recording Law. 

Once your gaslighter knows you are onto them, their behavior may change. Or they may become less subtle and more belligerent or try to undermine you with their superiors. Don’t back down. Get other coworkers to support you and present your evidence. You will feel a real sense of accomplishment when you are able to stand up to a gaslighter. Undoubtedly, you’re not the only person they are mistreating. 

If you need help with strategies and with standing up to a bully or gaslighter in your life, reach out to an experienced counselor in your area. If you are in the NYC region, reach out to me. I’d love to see how I can help you.

Posted in General Self Help | Tagged , , , , | Comments Off on Gaslighting at Work

How to Offer an Effective Apology

Posted on July 9, 2024 by Alisa Hafkin

No one is perfect, and sometimes you’re going to make mistakes that hurt others. When you offend your spouse or partner, you’ve hurt one of the most important people in your life. An apology is in order, but many people don’t quite know how to apologize effectively.

What an apology is not

Many people have trouble admitting they were wrong. Other times, we may think we were right and our loved one took it wrong. In these cases, we may come out with these common one-liners:

  • I’m sorry you feel that way.
  • If I’ve offended you, I’m sorry.
  • I’m sorry I used that tone/those words. 

These might actually be true statements. Perhaps what you said was valid, but you said it rudely. So you are adequately apologizing for your tone, but not your message. You and your spouse might sincerely disagree on something and you regret that he or she feels differently. But you’re not sorry for your opinion, so it’s not really an apology. 

If this is the case, the two of you need to work out your differences until neither of you feels hurt by the other one’s position or opinion. It’s not something to be ignored. Conflict resolution is a skill that must be learned, especially in a romantic relationship. As a psychotherapist and couples counselor in New York City, I have helped many couples find a way to communicate in an atmosphere of trust and respect in order to resolve differences and move forward.

What an apology is

A true apology is recognizing that you have been wrong, acknowledging the hurt, showing remorse, and making atonement. All those steps are necessary. An apology is not saying, “Sorry, but…” If you qualify your statement or make excuses, you’re not admitting your mistake, and thus not apologizing. 

When you’ve done something accidentally that has hurt your spouse’s feelings, apologize as soon as you discover your mistake. Take ownership, even though it was accidental. Don’t assume that because it was an accident, your partner should be able to accept a simple “Sorry!” as a sufficient sign of regret. Let’s go through the steps.

“Honey, I’m sorry I said _______________. I wasn’t thinking about your feelings when I spoke. I didn’t mean to hurt you, but I did, and I’m very sorry. I’m really trying to learn how to think before I speak. Please let me know if I hurt you in the future so I can get better at controlling my mouth.” 

That’s a sincere apology. You’ve recognized you were wrong, acknowledged the hurt, showed remorse, and demonstrated how you are going to change in the future, which is a form of atonement. This gives your spouse assurance that you can be trusted to not do it again (or at least that you’re trying). This shows true love and respect. 

If you have hurt your spouse intentionally, the situation will require a greater degree of remorse and more significant acts of atonement. It may require multiple apologies, acts of kindness, and gestures of love to convince your partner that you are sincerely sorry. 

An apology must be sincere. If you’re not really sorry, don’t apologize. But discuss the situation with your partner to find out why he or she is hurt. With discussion, you may discover where you have been wrong, and perhaps even where your partner has been wrong, so that you can mutually apologize and move forward. 

Taking responsibility can be hard. Forgiving a spouse for repeated hurts, intentional or unintentional, can also be hard. An experienced couples therapist or counselor should be able to help you develop the skills you need to learn to communicate, to forgive, and to grow stronger together. If you live in or around the New York City area and need help in your relationship, reach out to me for an initial consultation to see how I can help you.

Posted in Healthy Relationships | Tagged , , , , | Comments Off on How to Offer an Effective Apology

Perfectionism and Your Anxiety

Posted on July 9, 2024 by Alisa Hafkin

Striving for excellence is a praiseworthy characteristic. Excellence, however, should not be confused with perfection. In our imperfect world, perfection is impossible; predictably, perfectionism is often linked to anxiety and panic disorder. It is an important part of the therapeutic process to learn the distinction between perfectionism and excellence and then assess whether there is anxiety stemming from trying to be perfect.

The cause-effect relationship between anxiety and perfectionism is not fully understood, but a meta-analysis published in the Journal of Clinical Psychology found that people diagnosed with anxiety have a higher rate of perfectionism than those without anxiety.

Perfectionism could be defined as hyper-excellence. It involves having such high expectations that there is little chance of attaining the goal. While it’s important to hold oneself to high standards for one’s professional, sport, or artistic performance, or even in interaction with friends and loved ones, perfectionists often set the bar so high that they are practically setting themselves up for failure.

Perfectionists often equate their self-image with their performance. A mistake is a sign of failure, or even being a bad person. The perceived failure often leads to a flood of anxious or negative thoughts, including ruminating on unreasonable worst-case scenarios that might occur because of the mistake, most of which are highly exaggerated but cause tremendous stress. Over time, this can lead to anxiety or panic attacks. 

Perfectionism can also overflow into relationships, as perfectionists may hold others to their same unreasonably high standards, thus creating serious conflicts with their co-workers, spouse, children, and friends. This can be a source of intense stress in a relationship. 

Strategies for excellence without perfectionism

Perfectionism motivates you to do your very best and encourages self-improvement. However, since perfection is an unattainable extreme, you will never actually succeed, causing negative self-evaluation and even procrastination – if you never finish, you’ll never have to look at an imperfect product. Such an unhealthy view of yourself and your work needs adjustment.

Overcoming perfectionism can be challenging because it requires a mental reset. It takes realizing that doing a great job is sometimes better than doing a perfect job. Being excellent is better than being perfect. There are a number of well-known sayings that are variations on this theme: “Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good” or “Better done than perfect.” 

To a perfectionist, this can be very difficult to swallow. The goal is to gradually lower your expectations of excellence until you reach a level that is challenging but attainable. You may want to work with a counselor, good friend, or mentor to apply this to specific areas of your life, such as your job or creative endeavors.

Simultaneously, look for ways to boost your self-esteem and separate your self-worth from your work. You are valuable as a human being, simply because you exist. You have worth. Find friends who appreciate you for yourself, not for what you’re good at. Volunteer with a charity to serve those who are less fortunate. Take walks to appreciate nature and unplug from the noise of our busy world. 

Practice mindfulness, which consists of appreciating the moment and silencing the inner voice that is ruminating on what could happen or what happened in the past that can’t be changed. Think of the present, and find something to be thankful for right now. You can research many mindfulness techniques online or meet with a good counselor to find which method works best for you.

Try a few of these methods to release some of the stress associated with perfectionism and see how much more peaceful your life can be. If you’re in the New York City area and would like some counseling to get started, contact me to see how I can help.

Posted in Anxiety | Tagged , , , , | Comments Off on Perfectionism and Your Anxiety

Mindfulness and Managing Anxiety

Posted on June 5, 2024 by Alisa Hafkin

Mindfulness has become a buzzword in the self-help sphere of late, but there’s little real understanding of what it means and how it can help us. I work with my clients in multiple ways depending on what they best respond to and mindfulness is a tool that can help many patients overcome feelings of anxiety and other mental health issues. However, you don’t need a counselor or a psychologist to start using mindfulness to help you overcome stress, anxiety, and ruminating thoughts. Get started and see how much it helps you.

What is mindfulness and how can it help?

In its simplest definition, mindfulness means being mentally present to the present moment. The problem is, in this fast-paced world, we spend most of our time thinking about the future – getting through the to-do list, finishing that project at work, saving for retirement – and most of the rest of the time thinking about the past, especially regrets. We leave precious little time in our daily lives to just BE.

Worrying from time to time is normal. But anxiety arises when we ruminate on what could happen, imagine many worst-case scenarios, and get trapped in these thoughts. Mark Twain once famously said, “I’m an old man now. I’ve lived a long and difficult life filled with so many misfortunes, most of which never happened.” Anxiety can be so strong that we actually suffer from the things that might happen, even if they never occur. We “rehearse tragedies” that never happen, and they hurt as if they did.

Mindfulness techniques can help us stop and pay attention to where we are right now, including what we’re feeling. If you’re experiencing anxiety at the moment, that also means examining that anxiety, being present to it, acknowledging it. But at the same time, you’re noticing your breath, the air, the sound of birds, etc. Our attention is directed away from interior thoughts to exterior realities, thus interrupting those automatic, reflexive, fight-flight-or-freeze reactions.

Techniques

There are many different specific techniques for mindfulness. A few include:

  • Body scan meditation: Lie comfortably, with your arms and legs relaxed, palms facing up. Focus slowly and deliberately on each part of your body, starting at the top of your head. Take your time and take notice of your physical sensations and your emotions associated with each part of your body. Keep moving until you reach the tips of your toes.
  • Sitting meditation: Sit comfortably and breathe slowly through your nose, noticing the air entering your nostrils and going down into your lungs, then exiting. Focus on the breath moving in and out. Allow thoughts or sensations to occur, but always turn back to noticing your breath.
  • Walking meditation: Pace quietly and slowly, focusing on the experience of walking, the movement of your body, and the automatic subtle shifts that allow you to keep your balance. Notice the parts of your feet adjusting with each step (without shoes on). Notice your breath.
  • Moving meditation: Perform one or more of several different simple stretches, in which you again breathe consciously and notice your sensations.

How to integrate it into your daily life

The ultimate goal is to integrate mindfulness into your general thought process, transforming the way you see the world and the way you respond to things. This comes with time and practice. It’s important to find time daily to practice the techniques that seem to work best for you.

The foundation of a mindfulness mindset is a position of intentionality. Becoming intentional in your awareness of the present moment and the acceptance of your emotions without allowing them to control you will give you the emotional, spiritual, and psychological power to live a more confident, peaceful, and satisfying life.

If you need help reaching this point of mindfulness, we can work on this together, building your toolbox of techniques that work best for you. If you are in the New York City area, give me a call.

Posted in Anxiety | Tagged , , , , | Comments Off on Mindfulness and Managing Anxiety

Social Media – Anxiety and Depression

Posted on June 5, 2024 by Alisa Hafkin

More and more studies are showing the connection between social media use and mental health issues such as depression and anxiety. There are many complex reasons at play, and since they are interconnected, it’s hard to say how big a part each one plays. But the bottom line is social media is closely associated with mental health problems and should be used with caution. 

Factors causing anxiety and other mental health disorders

Using social media is a sedentary activity

One major problem with social media use is that we sit while using it. Some doctors call sitting “the new smoking” because of the many health problems associated with a sedentary lifestyle. How many people scroll through social media or load their own content while walking, jogging, biking, or playing a sport? You can’t do it. You have to be sedentary. So that’s the first strike against it.

Social media is addictive

The next is that social media is designed to be addictive. Its algorithms are specifically programmed to keep people viewing, so it can take a real act of will to turn off social media. Many people show symptoms consistent with addiction, including neglect of one’s personal life, mental preoccupation, mood alteration, the attempt to conceal the addiction, and even withdrawal symptoms. It can disrupt sleep, cause distractions at work, and affect productivity. 

The content can be harmful

The content on social media is probably the most troublesome issue when it comes to anxiety and depression. As human beings, we are naturally wired to make comparisons, but this can cause serious problems on social media. It’s sometimes called “compare and despair” anxiety. When we look at other people’s lives through their online presence, we see carefully curated content, pictures in which everyone is beautiful and smiling and having fun, making their lives look idyllic. We don’t know all their problems, we only see the good side they choose to share. Comparing our own lives to their idealized lives can often lead to lower self-esteem, body image dissatisfaction, self-consciousness, anxiety, and depression. This worsens the more social media platforms a person uses.

Social media use can cause FOMO

Fear of missing out (FOMO) is another growing problem. This form of anxiety can lead to worrying that important activities and events are taking place that you don’t know about, causing you to constantly check your news feed. Then, if you happen to see pictures of friends or coworkers together without you, you may wonder why you weren’t invited, creating a feeling of rejection and isolation. 

Notification anxiety occurs from the stress and distraction caused by receiving constant notifications, along with the feeling that you have to respond to everything right away.

Strategies for healthy social media use

I have worked with many clients to help them overcome anxiety and depression, and I have often found that the use of the internet can play a role in their issues. We work together to find ways of decreasing internet and social media use and replacing it with healthier activities without losing touch with the people online who matter to them.

The first step in developing healthy social media use is to evaluate how much time you spend online and what kinds of things you’re looking at. Your phone can give you a weekly or even daily report of your cellphone use (social media, gaming, text, camera, etc.) but you can also download a free app to track your visits more accurately. Most of my clients are shocked when they realize how much time they spend on social media and other online activities. I have found that the realization of how much time is wasted causes many of my clients to be truly motivated to stop.

People are different. Some people can just go cold turkey, deleting all their social media apps and turning off all notifications. Others start slowly, eliminating those that are least important to them, then advising friends that they will be viewing and posting less often.

Here are a few things I recommend:

  • Turn off push notifications for social media and news apps. If frequent texts are a problem, turn off text notifications for all but the most important people in your life.
  • Set times of the day when you will look at your texts and your one or two favorite social media apps. If you work, I recommend you do not look at your phone during work hours but only on your lunch break.
  • You can set your phone for “Do Not Disturb” during work hours and again at night when you begin to wind down for bed so that you are not distracted during those important times.
  • Give yourself certain limited times of the day when you will allow yourself to look at social media. If necessary, set an alarm on your phone for when you will stop, and stick to it.
  • Make note of what kinds of content make you feel anxious, uncomfortable, or self-conscious, and avoid such future content.

I also recommend physical exercise, especially out in nature, if possible, to overcome sitting too much. Exercise and fresh air have been found to be as effective for decreasing moderate depression as medication. In fact, exercise and fresh air provide benefits to every aspect of one’s health, including cardiovascular health, digestive health, respiratory health, and muscle and bone health. So, work some exercise into your schedule every day. If you have been spending two hours a day on social media, you can replace some of that time with exercise.

In moderation, social media use can be a source of pleasure. But if it is causing you anxiety or depression, please talk to a good counselor to help you get your social media use under control and develop healthy habits. If you’re in the NYC area, give me a call to see how I can help you.

Posted in Anxiety, Depression | Tagged , , , , | Comments Off on Social Media – Anxiety and Depression

Growing Apart From Your Partner in NYC

Posted on June 5, 2024 by Alisa Hafkin

Our life experiences have a tremendous impact on our growth as individuals. This is why sometimes couples who are together for many years find that they are very different people than they were when their relationship first began. The way to keep your relationship strong is not to avoid changing but to change together.

Signs of growing apart

It’s not uncommon for couples to feel like they’re drifting apart. The good news is, growing together again is usually easy to do, and enjoyable when both of you want it. 

If you begin to sense any of these signs, it may be time to discuss them with your spouse or partner:

  • You feel like you don’t have much in common to talk about (except maybe the kids or housework)
  • You don’t seem to listen to each other or understand each other
  • Intimacy, either physical or emotional, seems to be waning
  • You don’t feel comfortable sharing your deepest feelings
  • You just don’t spend a lot of time together

If you have noticed any of these warning signs, chances are your partner has, too. 

Discussing your concerns

The reason you are growing apart is that you don’t have enough shared experiences (outside of the house and home) in which you can grow together. The simple remedy is to create those shared experiences.

In my practice, I’ve found that the best time for couples to begin the discussion is when they are having a pleasant moment together. If pleasant moments together are rare, you may have to arrange one.

When both of you are enjoying yourselves, you can point out how nice it is and how you’d like to do it more often. To your surprise, your spouse might say something like, “I’d love to! But we always seem to be so busy!” That might be an insight that your partner has also been longing for more time together and maybe didn’t know how to bring it up. 

Share with your partner what you’ve been feeling, but be careful not to place blame. Saying “You’re always hanging out with your friends” is blaming. Saying “I’d really like to spend more time with you and do some fun things together” is a positive and constructive statement. Try not to get defensive if your spouse starts blaming you – hurt feelings may present themselves. Think of it as a sign that your spouse wants the same thing as you do and talk about how things can be different in the future.

Growing together as a couple

Research has shown that happy marriages have long-term physical and mental health benefits. People are twice as likely to report being happy when they are with their spouses than when apart, and activities done together seem more meaningful. Happy marriages positively affect you and those around you, so it’s worth the effort to strengthen your bond.

The first step to strengthening your relationship is to find shared interests, whether they be fun outings, such as sporting events or the theater, or service projects, such as cleaning a city park or working at a food pantry. These shared experiences will give you opportunities to grow in the same direction. You’ll have fun together, have things to talk about together, and develop a sense of purpose together. These shared experiences will also provide opportunities for growth in emotional intimacy.

You don’t have to do everything together, of course. Encouraging each other in individual pursuits and praising each other helps you each to grow in different areas of interest and feel appreciated and loved by the other. By showing appreciation and interest, even these separate activities can help you grow together.

If you have been pursuing hobbies separately, it’s time to find ways to include your spouse and to show interest in what each other loves about that hobby. Let’s use the example of a spouse who loves to play golf while the other loves to paint.

If you’re the painter, you could try to understand what makes your partner love golf so much. Maybe try swinging a club and discover how much skill it really takes! How about creating a golf-related painting to give your spouse as a gift? Maybe go to the golf course together sometime and you paint the course while your spouse golfs.

If you’re the golf-lover, ask your spouse questions about what makes something art or what he or she loves about painting. Try to see what your partner sees, and praise your partner’s work. Maybe go to an art exhibit together and let your spouse teach you something about the artist.

These are just a couple of examples of how you can use each other’s interests as a springboard for togetherness.

Growing together again can be fun and exciting, but it can feel awkward in the beginning. If you are growing apart and you’re not sure where to start, couples counseling can be a great way to get a jumpstart. Find an experienced couples counselor in your area to help you get started on your journey to strengthening your bond. If you’re in the New York City area, give me a call to see how I can help you.

Posted in Couples Therapy | Tagged , , , , | Comments Off on Growing Apart From Your Partner in NYC

Healthy Boundaries in Marriage

Posted on April 19, 2024 by Alisa Hafkin

The word “boundary” seems to have a negative connotation – a boundary prevents me from going someplace; it limits me. But if that boundary was a tall fence that keeps you from stepping off a steep cliff, you would be very glad it’s there! So it is with marriage boundaries. As a marriage counselor in New York City, I have witnessed the difficulties that develop in marriage when couples don’t respect each other’s boundaries. A healthy marriage can be restored, but every couple should strive to set personal boundaries from the outset in order to remain strong – and avoid stepping off that cliff.

What are boundaries?

Boundaries are preferences, agreed behaviors, and no-go areas in a relationship. You don’t have to call them boundaries. In fact, you have probably already established some without realizing it. For instance, if you’ve asked your spouse not to look at his or her phone during your together-time, you have established a boundary – no technology during intimate moments. You didn’t have to call it a boundary in order to make that agreement. And that’s the key word – agreement. 

A boundary is something you both agree on in your relationship that can help you grow stronger as a couple and as individuals. But because you are a couple, you need to agree on them, or one spouse may have a tendency to cross the boundary, which is where trouble can begin.

Communicating boundaries

The boundaries of one couple or one individual may be different from another couple or individual. In my example above, some couples may enjoy cuddling, looking at their social media together, and sharing what each other is seeing. Another couple may think that takes away from together time. The challenge is when one person wants to cuddle while focusing on social media while the other wants to cuddle while focusing on each other. That’s when communication comes into play. 

Communication between spouses must be robust and respectful at the same time. Saying “You prefer that phone over me!” is not a good way to begin a conversation on the topic. Saying something along the lines of, “Honey, I really want us to focus on each other without technology when we are together” is a much healthier way to begin the conversation.

Clear communication is critical in order to prevent hurt feelings, which can bottle up and lead to resentment if a spouse feels like his or her unspoken (or unclearly spoken) boundaries are repeatedly crossed. Be prepared for a real conversation. Your spouse may say, “Oh, sorry, I didn’t realize it bothered you.” You can simply state, then, “Let’s make it a plan that when we are having our quiet time together at the end of the day, for at least a half hour, we look at no technology and focus on each other.” That’s a clear boundary.

On the other hand, your spouse may push back. “I haven’t gotten to look at my phone all day. It helps me relax and unwind.” Or “Why does it bother you so much? I’m here, aren’t I?” Depending on how it’s said, these could be hurtful. Try not to respond with anger or clam up with resentment. Explain why it bothers you. Ask how you two can arrange things so that your spouse can have time to look at social media and you have time for his or her full attention. Quality time together will strengthen your relationship, so it’s worth the effort. 

If you have difficulty with this kind of healthy communication, an experienced marriage counselor can help teach you both healthy communication techniques, which are crucial for a healthy marriage.

Some healthy boundaries

Your boundaries or relationship preferences may be very different from other people’s. One boundary that every healthy relationship must have is no physical abuse or emotional manipulation. You do not have to stay in a relationship where you are being abused. Get away from physical abuse as soon as possible. Emotional abuse can sometimes be unintentional, but the abuser probably is dealing with issues and probably needs professional help. Protect yourself from emotional abuse, even if you decide to try to work on the marriage.

Besides these obvious non-negotiable boundaries, here are a few others that you may want to discuss with your spouse. Again, you don’t have to think of them as boundaries. They are how your relationship is arranged in order for you both to be happy, together and apart.

  • Privacy – Some couples use the bathroom together, others don’t. Some couples have access to each other’s social media or computer files, others don’t. Discuss your preferences.
  • Time – Do you or your spouse need some downtime, alone time, friend time, cuddle time? Talk it out.
  • Space – Do you want a personal space to escape to when you need to unwind? Someplace to do your hobby? Emotional space to work things out on your own?
  • Intimacy – This may include non-sexual cuddling as well as your sex life. Boundaries are important here because neither spouse should feel like a sex toy nor feel ignored and undesired. You are meant to complement each other and bring each other comfort, not to feel used or rejected by one extreme or another.
  • Outside influences – Your marriage is more important than any friend, relative, or hobby.
  • Finances – Discuss spending preferences so that you agree with the uses of funds. Each of you could have a “play fund” where a certain amount of your money is set aside for your hobbies or purchases, thus avoiding arguments over expenses.

Take some time to talk with your spouse about any boundaries you think would benefit your marriage, and if you need help, contact an experienced marriage counselor.

Posted in Couples Therapy | Tagged , , , , | Comments Off on Healthy Boundaries in Marriage